I've always heard that those who can't do, teach. God much have heard this before too. About three weeks ago, I started having anxiety attacks. The kind where you physically have to tell yourself how to breathe, or you just stop breathing. I knew I was feeling pressure from work and family relationships, and I knew I had a lot on my mind, but there was nothing I was consciously anxious about. I knew that there was nothing causing me stress that I had any control over, and I knew that there was nothing causing me stress that was going to end the world. I kept fairly quiet about it because I don't want to cause a scene and I hate when people think I'm not capable of something, prideful nature I suppose. I tried prayer, exercise, sleep, deep breathing- nothing would take this feeling away, and nothing helped me decipher where exactly the root of this anxiety was stemming from.
About a week in to having anxiety attacks, I got an email that I would be teaching middle school students on the topic of pressure. Somewhat befuddled on how to teach on a topic I myself hadn't figured out the answer to, I dove into scripture and Google, trying to figure out what the root of pressure was, and how one combats internal and external forces.
I was unexpectedly fortunate to come across multiple methods of the TV show Mythbusters that featured specific myths dealing with pressure. One of their statements, was that when pressure is being placed on an item, the only way to counteract that pressure is to push back. It's similar to taking an indigestion pill- the pressure created by the pill counteracts the pressure in your body, and thus releases the inner pressure. The other conclusion, was that pressure has to be able to go somewhere, or it will implode. Pressure will continue to build, until it is released.
I decided to study up on my AlkaSeltzer experiments to display to the middle school students how a little bit of pressure (1 tablet and a water bottle caps amount of water sealed in a film canister) can cause a 10ft rocket explosion. As I tested this experiment, I began to relate to the film canister. That was how I felt. Like there was an expanding amount of pressure building and building and I was on the verge of explosion. But of course, I dismissed the thought and carried on with life in my "I'm a big girl I don't need to dwell on silly life problems" kind of a way. I'm not one for crying, and I'm strong enough to take on anything that comes my way (so I tell myself). As the weeks progressed, and these thoughts were suppressed, they quickly bubbled their way to the surface and emerged in an explosion of tears and emotion late last night.
All of a sudden, every little thing I had been holding on to, every thought, every action, every word and life situation, came erupting out like a volcano as I sobbed through my myriad of tangled feelings. Feelings... what are these? Feelings are for the weak right? Feelings are for those who aren't strong enough to woman up and deal with it. Feelings are silly, deceptive and unnecessary. True though that may be, they are real.
I realized I was feeling sadness, stress, frustration, hopelessness, anger, regret, failure. All of these emotions were bottling up inside over the course of a few years, and I had done nothing to let these feelings out. Instead I masked them with optimism, cheerful demeanor, counted blessings, and a smile. And I didn't even realize I was doing it. I really thought that I wasn't bothered or affected- that I was strong enough- and God was strong enough- to keep me from having to release any sort of girly pms-y emotion. But I forgot to fight pressure with pressure- and emotion with emotion- and I closed off all outlets.
As I prayed over what verse to share with my middle school kids, Philippians 4:6-7 kept echoing in my mind like a broken record. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
But God I'm not anxious about anything- and I am praying- why don't I have peace? Anxiety can creep on anybody. It's not a decision to be anxious- being anxious is different than being a worrier. Anxiety is completely mental, and is often triggered when the mental/internal pressure you face is simply too much to handle. So how do we combat these feelings? In every situation, we pray and petition the Lord, giving thanks for how He has blessed us, and actually manning up to ask Him for what we want. Instead of saying "God, this situation is killing me, but I'm going to rejoice and deal with it" why not be honest and say "God, I hate this- it's killing me- please give me the strength I need to survive and to thrive and make your presence known, or please present an opportunity to change." And knowing that God hears our requests, and wants what's best for us, because He loves us so incredibly much, and He knows what our future holds and that it holds promise for hope and abundant living, that is where true peace from God comes. And that peace will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus from another attack. That is what I want- a peace that transcends all understanding, and my savior guarding my heart and mind, wrapping me in love and protection.
I can't say that this breakthrough instantly cured me, and I am not diminishing the merit of prescription medication, but it did give me a renewed perspective and hope for continued recovery. I learned to not just pray, but petition, and to remain confident in the promise I've been given. In preparing a lesson for kids, I finally learned what God had been trying to tell me all along. And just to prove that this message was for me, not a single middle school student showed up today. Yes, my God has a sense of humor. And He knows, the best way to learn, is sometimes to teach.
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