I Am Me

This was written by a dear dear friend of mine and I absolutely love it.  I hope you are as encouraged by at as I was. Thank you friend for letting me post this!

I Am Me


So you think you know me. You think you’ve got me figured out.
With the small silver cross around my throat it didn’t take you long to understand who I am.
I am ‘that Christian girl’. You know the kind I’m talking about.
The kind that wouldn’t have anything worth while to put into a slam.

That “Christian girl” who has nothing better to do than sit around and judge you for the way you chose to live your life.
You know that “Christian girl” who’s all religious and finds anyone who doesn’t share her opinion meaningless,
That “Christian girl” who’s faith is born out of ignorance, who sees dancing and alcohol and sex and drugs and gays and lesbians and ‘sins’ as a genuine disturbance.
One of those “Christian girls” who wears her shirts too high and skirts too long, walking around with a giant “V” on her forehead.
The type of “Christian girl” who doesn’t know the meaning of real strife,
With her picture perfect mom and picture perfect dad and picture perfect sister and picture perfect life.

Man it must be good to be her... I mean me.

But wait, if you really knew me you’d know more than just the stereotype. You’d know the story behind the necklace.
You’d know that my life is plummeting down, down, down, like Alice in the Rabbit Hole.
You’d know the burdens are piled on so heavy gravity itself can’t seem to keep me up and I’m left helpless. You would know that the only judgment I pass is on myself when I look into the mirror every morning, you’d know the clothes I wear cover up my insecurities within my soul.
And if you really knew me you would see the not-so-picture-perfect mess behind the picture perfect mask, you would know the heartbreak of a family trying to keep it all together when everything around them is falling apart.
So if you really knew me, you would know about my battle with depression. Depression so intense I could feel its coil growing tighter over the years, as if The Snake himself was squeezing the life out of me, feasting on my fears and sadness, feeding me lies and deceit. I felt like Alice trying to find her way out of the rabbit hole, being so convinced of the lies it became harder and harder to find my way back to reality.

Do you know me?

This is who I am:
I am a girl.
I wear a cross as a reminder that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I am a girl who believes that “God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but that the world through Him might be saved.” And so I try to live the same, passing judgment only on myself in hopes of living those words out loud.
I am a girl who values everything you are and all you have to offer, no matter how different your opinion.

I am a girl who believes that she is more than a body, more than what any earthly man might think of her, more than the vessel that’s only job is to carry the soul. 
I am a girl that believes that God’s love can change you and make you whole.
I am a girl who defeated the demons of depression on the battlefield that was my life.
I am a girl who has made it back to the other side of the looking glass.

I am a Christian girl, not to be confused with “That Christian Girl”. That’s who I am.
And this was my best attempt at a slam.

What is God's plan for my Life? The eternal question

Coming from a fairly conservative, Christian upbringing, there has never been a time I haven't been faced with the question "What is God's plan for my life?"  I think this is something everyone wants to know.  Even those who do not believe in God, or who choose to not engage in a relationship with Christ can still relate to being struck with the question of purpose.  "Why am I here?"  "What was I made to do?"  "What should I do with my life?" 
Throughout the years I've had many a late night discussion, sat through many a sermon, and journaled in many a quiet time as I tried to discern where God was calling me.  I remember being confused in elementary school because in kindergarten they kept telling me I was there to prepare for the first grade.  Then when I finally achieved success and made it to the first grade they told me I was only there to prepare for the second grade.  This pattern continued and somewhere along the fifth/sixth grade mark I realized that the entire reason I was in any of these grades was to prepare for life.  My entire life has been about my future. 

There's this pressure to figure out where God is calling you.  Like there's one road you're supposed to travel down and if you take a wrong turn your whole life will be wasted.  I feel like we can miss out on so much of our life trying to figure out how to do life rather than actually doing it.  There's so much emphasis on where we are headed in our future rather than where we are now.  As I sit through conversation after conversation with college friends and high school students questioning what they are supposed to commit to for their life, I can't help but think, maybe it's not an issue of finding something specific that God is calling you to commit your life to, and maybe it's not an issue of right and wrong choices. Maybe God is simply calling us to abide in Him, and finding a way to commit to Christ now.

Throughout scripture, rarely do you read of someone who had one set plan from youth into adulthood that they actively had to pursue.  More often than not it was someone who was just going about their ordinary, mundane life when God decided to take them on a new adventure.  Those who were actively pursuing the calling God had for them often ended up somewhere completely different.  Seeking God's will for our lives isn't a bad thing, but the problem is that when we seek out what God has for our lives, we take over the control to make it happen.  We're no longer living by faith, but rather we are living by logic and careful planning.  It’s not a bad thing to plan ahead but maybe this isn’t a burden we are meant to handle by ourselves.

This week I especially wrestled with this idea as I have been researching various ministries to be involved in in my new hometown.  There's so many! Do I stick with the youth ministry since I now have 6 years experience under my belt?  Do I go to another age group?  Do I focus on inner city? Prison ministry? Where has God equipped me to go?  I could spend months pouring over the various ministry websites, taking spiritual gifts tests, etc... but at some point, I am going to have to pick one. 

I was just talking to a friend about the hesitancy to commit to something that doesn't promise a long timeline.  There can be a hesitancy to commit to a ministry if you're not sure it's where God has you or if you know you won't be there for a long period of time.  It can be tempting to stay somewhere familiar and safe while you wait for that perfect life plan to fall into your lap.  One thing I learned in college was that God can do a lot with a little bit of time, and God can do a lot in places you never expected to go.  The greatest impact I had in ministry and the greatest personal growth I experienced along with some of my deepest relationships all happened in my last semester at college. They happened in ministries I was reluctant to commit to, and jobs that were solely to pay the bills. If I had skipped out on these opportunities since I knew I only had a few months, I would have missed out on so much joy.  That’s the great thing about God.  He really can use anything and everything for His glory.

The more I've thought about it, the more I think that God is not calling us to a specific location or vocation or ministry.  I think he is simply calling us to abide in Him.  To love God, and love others.  To seek first the kingdom of Heaven so that He can add everything else to us.  I think that's the whole point of Christianity.  It's not about a list of do's and don'ts, or having this constant pressure of trying to figure out the one role we are meant to play in life.  It’s not about trying to discover our purpose.  It’s about knowing we have a purpose.  It's about learning to be me.  It's about learning about God's love for me, and finding ways to share that love with others.  It's about having an infectious devotion to the good news of having freedom in Christ.  Freedom to live the life that only we can live.  Freedom to enjoy our lives.  Freedom to experience the incredible blessing of unconditional love.  Freedom to unconditionally love others.  It's not about falling into the right mold.  It's about making my own mold, and learning how to be me.

Update on my life

I have internet!  This is so exciting.  I feel as though it has been forever since my last post.  I have a plethora of blogs that have been collecting dust either in my documents folder or my brain that I am very excited to start posting now that I am reconnected to the world. 

A brief update on my life- I am officially a SanDiegan!  I am an Account Coordinator at a fantastic Ad Agency in San Diego and I love it.  Essentially I coordinate accounts.  I work with the Clients to make sure everything is happening when its supposed to happen.  I also have the role of putting on any hat that comes my way.  It's great because I get to do a little bit of everything and every day is a new experience. 

I moved a couple weekends ago into an adorable little one bedroom apartment.  I am proud to say, I officially unpacked my last box today.  Everything is clean and organized and my house will never look this good again.  I'm excited to start decorating :) 

This weekend I will fly back to VA for graduation and a couple of weddings.  I am attempting to do two weddings in one day... we'll see how that goes.  Both couples I set up so I am very excited to have been a part of their love stories from day 1.  Very excited to see my Lynchburg family and all of my middle school girls.  And excited to have a break from the chaos of fulltime working and moving. 

The few moments I have had this past month to sit and reflect have led me to the conclusion that I really do not know myself as well as I thought I did.  I am learning new things every day.  I realize this sounds odd... you would think you should know yourself better than anyone else... but I'm finding that I really have not met myself yet.  There's something about living on your own that forces you to really figure out who you are.  I'm excited for this new adventure. 

It's an odd transition from childhood into adulthood.  Supposedly you prepare for this your entire life, but I can't help feeling like I just spent the last 22 years being a kid and now all of a sudden I blink and BAM! I'm expected to be an adult.  I feel like I've spent my entire life wishing I was a little older, a little wiser, and now I find myself wishing I could just slam on the breaks and get my bearings for a moment.  I don't feel like a grown up.  Given my genetics and quick metabolism I don't much look like an adult either.  I think perhaps the most difficult part of being an adult is believing you are one. 

But now it is midnight, which is the new 3am.  I have become accustomed to falling asleep around 10pm, which is my new midnight.  I have the sleeping habits of a 50 year old so that must be the new 22.  Last Friday I got a voicemail message from a friend that said "Hi Sarah, it's about 9pm so you're probably out partying or having fun but call me when you get home."  I was definitely sleeping for the night.  Oh youth.  Where have you gone?  Why have you departed so abruptly? 

Sleep now, Busy busy work day tomorrow, Lynchburg tomorrow night.  That is the update of my life in a nutshell.  More soon!