As mentioned in my last blog, Just Write, I haven't felt like I've had anything worth writing in a while. My mind is everywhere- sometimes empty, sometimes cluttered with thoughts. In addition to feeling like I have nothing to write, I've been feeling like I have nothing to give.
This isn't a self deprecatory/fishing for compliments statement. I know that if someone said that to me I would probably respond with some cliche like "Oh now, everyone has something to give. God made you special and He loves you very much and He has a purpose for you. Hang in their champ." True as it may be, I'm learning more and more that sometimes, we really just need to learn to shut up and not give advice. Sometimes the best encouragement, is silence.
I know that I have a purpose. I know that I have gifts and abilities. It's hard to describe this funk I've been in other than to say I just feel spent. I'm not necessarily more tired physically than normal, I'm not depressed. I just feel, indifferent. Jaded maybe. A little apathetic. I feel like I don't process emotion anymore. Like life is just life, and it comes and goes one day at a time, and nothing really matters. Life has highs and lows, good times and bad, but it's ultimately temporary. It ultimately doesn't matter. When life has trials and heartaches, which it often does, part of me hurts, but part of me has this apathy disguised as strength that it doesn't matter. It's not a big deal. Dust your shoes off and walk on.
I guess I feel like feelings are overrated. How are they helpful? People don't really want to hear about other people's feelings. They say they do, and they might obligatorily offer a shoulder or an ear. But few people actually know how to use either of those helpfully. You have the people who offer a shoulder but then have to rush off to another activity, or are clearly uncomfortable once you are on their shoulder. You have the people who offer an ear but who are multitasking the whole time or their mouth continues to interrupt their ear as they share examples from their own life trying to connect with you. It's understandable. It's human. We like to think that we like to be there for one another, but at the end of the day, I think maybe that's not a burden we are meant to or equipped to handle. I'm not saying it's bad to have friends- I think it's necessary in life- but maybe we are too dependent on friends.
I'm learning more and more each day that there is a reason that God is God and peers are peers. How can you help someone who is drowning when you yourself are drowning? It's impossible. How can you love someone perfectly, when you yourself are not perfect. Life is busy. Life is messy. And people are disappointing. I may never understand how or why God chooses to love such a heartbreaking people. I may never understand how or why God finds infinite time to spend with me and to know me. But He does.
As I am preparing for my mission trip, I am constantly asked by people what I will do while in the UK, am I excited, am I ready. Honestly, it worries me that I'm so jaded. It's difficult for me to find the time and energy to love people in my own life, let alone to love people in a new country that I've never met and will only know for 2 weeks. What do I really have to give them? What do I have to say? What can I offer?
Maybe that's just it. I have nothing to offer. I'm not special because I'm a missionary. I'm not any holier or more pure. I'm not some magic cure for imperfection or anything fancy. I am not a better person than anyone else, and I have nothing to give or say to anyone. The only difference between my messy life and anothers, is that I have Jesus to love me and help me through it. I have someone to help carry the burden. I have someone to carry me. I have someone in my life who never disappoints. Who always loves me. Who knows me and still wants to spend time with me. And that's something worth sharing.
Friend, if you can at all relate to me, if you have ever felt tired, weary, discouraged, empty, faithless, etc. Maybe we need to stop dragging ourselves through with our own limited strength. Stop turning to other people who lead to more disappointment. Stop turning to family, friends, movies, alcohol, sex, work, etc. Turn to the only one who has conquered this world. The only one who truly knows us- truly loves us. Maybe we need to simply abide in Christ, and trust that good fruit will be produced. Maybe we need to just be.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Just Write
It's been a rather long time since my last blog. I switched gears and focused on my AdThoughts blog for awhile, but honestly I just haven't felt like I've had anything to say. I know the rules of blogging say you have to be consistent, relevant information, engage your readers, rah rah rah. So I've sat down several times in the last month and tried to think of something worth saying. I tried all of the creative tactics to find some new inspiring perspective, I read the news to see if there was anything I could have an interesting opinion on, I watched movies for hidden deeper meanings, I closed my eyes tightly and hoped for brilliance to pop out in a little thought bubble to the top right of my head. But nothing.
I started thinking back to why I started this blog in the first place. It came out of a random conversation I had in college. I was walking to my car after a late night of studying in the Library and this guy came up to me and said that God told him he needed to talk to me. Being on a Christian campus that had several Pentecostal or charismatic minded believers, I assumed (like many other ladies on campus would have I'm sure) that this was going to be the typical "God told me that we should date." In which case I typically responded that that was dandy and he should keep praying while I wait for God to deliver me the same message. I'm nothing close to resembling a Pentecostal and have some definite skepticism when it comes to God telling people things- I've seen more often than not that be an excuse to justify an opinion- but God didn't tell this guy to ask me out. God told this guy to tell me to write.
As I'm standing there trying to process this, trying not to laugh, and trying to keep my skepticism in tact, this guy is fervently beseeching me to write anything and everything. My thoughts, my dreams, my random ideas. He was absolutely 100% convinced that God had gifted me with the ability to write and that I needed to bless the world with that gift. Go forth and write blessed one. Just write.
I mulled it over in my head, thought through his words and whether or not they had any merit. If I ended up writing a best seller would it really be because God wanted me to or would it be self fulfilling prophecy because this kid told me that God wanted me to? Why wouldn't have God just told me directly? If God wanted me to write something I'd be happy to.
I may never have answers to these questions, but these words "just write" have been bouncing around my empty mind for a few days now. I tell people all the time to just write whatever comes to mind. Why is it so difficult for me to do that lately? Sometimes I feel like it's because nothing comes to mind; other times I feel like it's because everything comes to mind and there's no way to make sense of it. In any event, my next blog is going to be just that. Just writing. My thoughts, my life, what I can make of it anyway. No clever metaphors or motifs. Just a messy string of thoughts and events. Who knows; if God does just want me to write, maybe someone somewhere can be touched by my words. Maybe there will be a connection. And maybe I'll finally discover a theme or something worth reading, if I take the time to just write.
I started thinking back to why I started this blog in the first place. It came out of a random conversation I had in college. I was walking to my car after a late night of studying in the Library and this guy came up to me and said that God told him he needed to talk to me. Being on a Christian campus that had several Pentecostal or charismatic minded believers, I assumed (like many other ladies on campus would have I'm sure) that this was going to be the typical "God told me that we should date." In which case I typically responded that that was dandy and he should keep praying while I wait for God to deliver me the same message. I'm nothing close to resembling a Pentecostal and have some definite skepticism when it comes to God telling people things- I've seen more often than not that be an excuse to justify an opinion- but God didn't tell this guy to ask me out. God told this guy to tell me to write.
As I'm standing there trying to process this, trying not to laugh, and trying to keep my skepticism in tact, this guy is fervently beseeching me to write anything and everything. My thoughts, my dreams, my random ideas. He was absolutely 100% convinced that God had gifted me with the ability to write and that I needed to bless the world with that gift. Go forth and write blessed one. Just write.
I mulled it over in my head, thought through his words and whether or not they had any merit. If I ended up writing a best seller would it really be because God wanted me to or would it be self fulfilling prophecy because this kid told me that God wanted me to? Why wouldn't have God just told me directly? If God wanted me to write something I'd be happy to.
I may never have answers to these questions, but these words "just write" have been bouncing around my empty mind for a few days now. I tell people all the time to just write whatever comes to mind. Why is it so difficult for me to do that lately? Sometimes I feel like it's because nothing comes to mind; other times I feel like it's because everything comes to mind and there's no way to make sense of it. In any event, my next blog is going to be just that. Just writing. My thoughts, my life, what I can make of it anyway. No clever metaphors or motifs. Just a messy string of thoughts and events. Who knows; if God does just want me to write, maybe someone somewhere can be touched by my words. Maybe there will be a connection. And maybe I'll finally discover a theme or something worth reading, if I take the time to just write.
Friday, September 2, 2011
I just blogged, to say, I love you
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I'm not really sure why, but it seems that for the past week the same words seem to be ricocheting through my mind. "You are worth something. You have a purpose. You are known. You are loved. Now go tell someone else."
What does that mean anyway? How can you really define worth? An old blanket that is worthless to me could a homeless mans most valuable possession. An encouraging note from a friend could be worth everything to me, but wouldn't much matter to anyone else. Who decides what someone is worth?
What about purpose? I suppose in the back of our minds we think about purpose, but do we really think about it on a day-to-day basis? Am I thinking about my purpose when I work my 8-5 job or when I go to the movies with a friend? Am I thinking about my waiters purpose when he's serving me my food? Is purpose truly for everyone, or just for the select few? How often do we look at a celebrity or a pastor and immediately consider them to be at a different level than us?
What is it to be known? Does anyone really know anyone? People always complain that "you just don't get it. You don't understand." Even long term friendships, family, marriages, you're always learning new things about each other that you didn't know before. Most people can't even know themselves.
What is love? Is it butterflies? Is it sex? It's called making love right? Is love something to be made? How do you know when you are loved? How do you know when you love someone else? What about couples that fall out of love? Or parents that abuse their children when they are genetically programed to love their kids. How serious is love? We say we love a celebrity, a food, a family member, God. Are there multiple definitions?
We may never know the answers to some of these questions, but I want to address the above mentioned statements and the conclusion I have come to.
2. You have a purpose. You are not an accident. Though some may argue with me, you are not the result of two atoms ramming into each other, or some weird space slime morphing into fish, a monkey, you. Your life has meaning. It is intentional. This conclusion came with watching "Soul Surfer." Bethany Hamilton had big aspirations of becoming a famous surfer. She had incredible potential and was starting to hear from sponsors. At thirteen, she was attacked by a shark and lost her arm. She was forced to face the fact that she may never be able to surf again, let alone professionally. She felt as though her purpose was gone. Professional surfing was now a dream only capable of others achieving. With hard work and determination, Bethany was eventually able to get back on her board and is now one of the best known surfers in the world. This girl had a purpose bigger than she could have ever imagined. And friend, so do you. You have a purpose. This idea that purpose is for other people, and I'm just a nine to five... it's not real. You weren't placed on this earth to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. You were created for a purpose.
5. Go tell someone. If you are reading this blog and these thoughts seem new to you, I hope you take them to heart. I hope you know that I am not just writing for a random mass audience; I'm writing for you. YOU are worth something. YOU have a purpose. YOU are known. YOU are loved. I have never meant anything more honestly or deeply. If you are reading this and these thoughts seem familiar, don't keep them to yourself. Go tell someone. What a waste to know that you are worth something and to not live a worthy life. To know you have a purpose but to sit back and watch it pass you by. To be deeply known and to not take the opportunity of knowing God in return. To know what it is to be loved and to not share that with someone else. Keeping things to yourself is such a waste. Tell someone who needs to know these truths, because believe it or not, not everyone does. You have the ability to make a difference in someones life. You have the ability to make someone feel worthy. You have the ability to help someone recognize or fulfill their purpose. You have the ability to know someone. To tell someone, I love you.
I feel like I could continue for hours. There is no hope of me ever not being a long-winded blogger. I guess ultimately, I just blogged to say I love you.
I'm not really sure why, but it seems that for the past week the same words seem to be ricocheting through my mind. "You are worth something. You have a purpose. You are known. You are loved. Now go tell someone else."
What does that mean anyway? How can you really define worth? An old blanket that is worthless to me could a homeless mans most valuable possession. An encouraging note from a friend could be worth everything to me, but wouldn't much matter to anyone else. Who decides what someone is worth?
What about purpose? I suppose in the back of our minds we think about purpose, but do we really think about it on a day-to-day basis? Am I thinking about my purpose when I work my 8-5 job or when I go to the movies with a friend? Am I thinking about my waiters purpose when he's serving me my food? Is purpose truly for everyone, or just for the select few? How often do we look at a celebrity or a pastor and immediately consider them to be at a different level than us?
What is it to be known? Does anyone really know anyone? People always complain that "you just don't get it. You don't understand." Even long term friendships, family, marriages, you're always learning new things about each other that you didn't know before. Most people can't even know themselves.
What is love? Is it butterflies? Is it sex? It's called making love right? Is love something to be made? How do you know when you are loved? How do you know when you love someone else? What about couples that fall out of love? Or parents that abuse their children when they are genetically programed to love their kids. How serious is love? We say we love a celebrity, a food, a family member, God. Are there multiple definitions?
We may never know the answers to some of these questions, but I want to address the above mentioned statements and the conclusion I have come to.
1. You are worth something. Recently I watched "To Save a Life." If you have not yet seen this movie, Netflix a.s.a.p. This movie is about a student whose former best friend kills himself. This highschooler than decides to reach out by having lunch with the loaners in hopes that he can help them before it is too late. The statistics are heartbreaking and sobering on the amount of people who do not deem themselves worthy of living. People are hurting. I can speak from personal experience, when you come to a point of feeling so alone, that you believe if you died tomorrow, no one would care, it's devastating. And it's a lie. Your life was specifically designed for greatness. Not only were you intentionally created, God was so confident in His decision to make you, that even after we failed, Jesus chose to give His life, so that you could have life. You were worth the blood of the pure and holy son of God. You are worth the time it took Him to create you, the time it takes Him to talk to you, bless you, discipline you, encourage you. I don't know how worth is defined, but friend, the God of the Universe, a universe of billions and billions of people, thinks that YOU are worth something.
2. You have a purpose. You are not an accident. Though some may argue with me, you are not the result of two atoms ramming into each other, or some weird space slime morphing into fish, a monkey, you. Your life has meaning. It is intentional. This conclusion came with watching "Soul Surfer." Bethany Hamilton had big aspirations of becoming a famous surfer. She had incredible potential and was starting to hear from sponsors. At thirteen, she was attacked by a shark and lost her arm. She was forced to face the fact that she may never be able to surf again, let alone professionally. She felt as though her purpose was gone. Professional surfing was now a dream only capable of others achieving. With hard work and determination, Bethany was eventually able to get back on her board and is now one of the best known surfers in the world. This girl had a purpose bigger than she could have ever imagined. And friend, so do you. You have a purpose. This idea that purpose is for other people, and I'm just a nine to five... it's not real. You weren't placed on this earth to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. You were created for a purpose.3. You are known. I was at the bookstore today and stumbled across some surf wax with a wrapper that read "Deep down, do you have a void that is never filled? This is no ordinary bar of surf wax. What's inside could change your life..." I was pretty stoked. (That's surfer slang for "I thought that was very cool") For one, because I needed surf wax and this was on sale for $1, and for two, what a fantastic way to advertise. And you know how I feel about creative advertising. Everyone knows what it is to build walls. Some peoples walls are fairly thin and low and they are comfortable disclosing all sorts of info. Some walls are built to the rafters of 6ft thick concrete. One of my favorite quotes is that "Sometimes we don't build walls to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to climb over them." As scary as it is to be known, there is a part of us that craves it. If we didn't have a fear of rejection, we would be much more apt to being known. That's the great truth behind this little surf wax wrapper. Do you try to fill a void? Do you 
hope that others can fill it? The only thing that can fill that void is a relationship with Jesus Christ because He is the only one who truly knows you. He knew you before He created you, He knows every hair on your head, He calls you by name, He knows your flaws, your strengths, your innermost thoughts. He knows you better than you or anyone else can ever know yourself. And you know what the best part is? He's not running. He's not leaving. He knows you, and in spite of everything, He will never leave you or forsake you. You friend are known truly and deeply by the God of the universe. And he wants you to know Him too.
hope that others can fill it? The only thing that can fill that void is a relationship with Jesus Christ because He is the only one who truly knows you. He knew you before He created you, He knows every hair on your head, He calls you by name, He knows your flaws, your strengths, your innermost thoughts. He knows you better than you or anyone else can ever know yourself. And you know what the best part is? He's not running. He's not leaving. He knows you, and in spite of everything, He will never leave you or forsake you. You friend are known truly and deeply by the God of the universe. And he wants you to know Him too.4. You are loved. I am a member of a Bible study that is for women who are exiting the adult entertainment industry. Many of these women have been strippers, dancers, escorts, prostitutes. They have been used and abused to a point that they begin to feel like love always starts with sex, and ends with rejection. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing the joy in these girls faces when they cancel their last client, or dance their last shift. To see them begin to learn the difference between lust and love is incredible. It is heartbreaking that so many think these two things are one in the same. You think sex is love? What happens if you stop having sex? Do you still have love? Sex is a conditional love. And so many times this is what we settle for. We settle for conditional. I love you because you make me feel good. I love chocolate because it tastes good. I love my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife because I feel butterflies when I'm around them. Conditional. If you take something out of these equations- a good feeling, butterflies, good taste, happy memory, joyful associations, etc you would no longer say that you love this person or thing. Unconditional love has no bounds. It never fails. It doesn't leave you or reject you. It doesn't expect in return. To truly love, and to truly be loved, is an incredible gift. God so loved you, that He sent His only son to this earth, who willingly died for you so that you could call on Him as your savior and have eternal life. He didn't die for you so that you would be guilted into living a good life, it was because He loved you so much, this life isn't enough for Him. He wants you for eternity. God isn't on a power trip in Heaven, sitting on His perfect throne and demanding you live perfectly for Him. He knows that we are flawed, and He beckons us to abide in Him, to come to Him, because He wants to be our strength. He wants to be there for us. He wants to love you, spend time with you, have a relationship with you. This isn't a conditional "do good deeds and I'll let you into Heaven, do bad deeds and I will damn you to hell" love. This is an unconditional, "Come to me and I will give you life, life to the full, and I will teach you what agape, or true love really is." Friend, you are truly, deeply, and completely loved.
5. Go tell someone. If you are reading this blog and these thoughts seem new to you, I hope you take them to heart. I hope you know that I am not just writing for a random mass audience; I'm writing for you. YOU are worth something. YOU have a purpose. YOU are known. YOU are loved. I have never meant anything more honestly or deeply. If you are reading this and these thoughts seem familiar, don't keep them to yourself. Go tell someone. What a waste to know that you are worth something and to not live a worthy life. To know you have a purpose but to sit back and watch it pass you by. To be deeply known and to not take the opportunity of knowing God in return. To know what it is to be loved and to not share that with someone else. Keeping things to yourself is such a waste. Tell someone who needs to know these truths, because believe it or not, not everyone does. You have the ability to make a difference in someones life. You have the ability to make someone feel worthy. You have the ability to help someone recognize or fulfill their purpose. You have the ability to know someone. To tell someone, I love you.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Past, Present, Future: How our random pieces of "ehh" become God's perfectly designed masterpiece of "whoa"
So I just unpacked my last box. Yes, I am aware that said box is being unpacked 3 months after the first box was unpacked. Maybe it was lack of time, lack of desire, lack of complete commitment to San Diego, combination of the three, but apart from some needed minor decorating touchups, I am officially a San Diegan.
Before you judge me for taking a quarter of a year to move in, understand that this was not any ordinary box. It was actually a bin, a rather large bin, filled to the brim with photos, letters, mementos, etc. Essentially my entire childhood and adolescence were compiled and contained in this bin. I knew I'd need to go through every item in the container eventually... it's a project I haven't just delayed for 3 months... it's been waiting for me since I moved to VA 4 years ago.
There are two types of movers in this world. Dumpers and Keepers. Having moved 5 times in the last year I have very much become a dumper. Particularly my move from VA to CA. When everything you own has to fit in the back of your Toyota Corolla with enough room for you and your driving buddy to not be completely squished, you are forced to make decisions as to what is truly important to keep. Growing up however, I was most definitely a keeper. Hence, my parents decided to contain my keeping to this bin.
I could go into detail about what I found in this box and how these findings made me feel, but as you know, I tend to be a rather longwinded writer as it is- so that will be a later conversation for a later day. Instead, I am going to jump to my conclusion.
I have concluded that my past is composed of lots of pieces of “ehh.” There are some things that make me laugh, some that make me cry, some that make me ask myself “why?” Some that make me angry, some that make me smile, some that make me question if my life’s been worthwhile. Ok, I’ll stop talking like Dr. Seuss. You know what’s funny about the past? Even though you were there, it totally looks different than you remember it. Often it is less dramatic than you remember it. The world somehow did not end when Tommy asked Susie to the dance instead of you, or when your mom didn’t allow you to go to the party that every other cool parent let their kids go to. Sometimes it is more dramatic than you remember. You start to realize that family behaviors you used to think were totally normal were a little bit weird. Or you realize that an innocent child memory has a significantly deeper truth behind it.
The crazy thing is, as random and “ehh” as the pieces of my past are, they somehow all fit together kind of beautifully. They tell a story of who I am and how I became that. As I look back through pieces of my past, I’m starting to understand that God actually did know me, really well, even before I knew myself. (Read Psalm 139) Every decision I have made, whether good or bad, has helped make me who I am today.
I am so glad I saved this box for last, because it reminded me all over again why I am a keeper. I love stories, and I am so grateful that I have a way of reading my own. I’m so glad I kept pictures from what my sister and I like to call, “the awkward years.” (pimples, braces, horribly unfortunate taste in clothing and hairstyles) I’m so glad I kept awkward love letters and diary entries. I’m glad I kept encouragement notes and birthday cards, even though I don’t remember who some of these people are… at one point in my life, Becky G wished me a very happy 14th year of life, and somewhere along the way I helped a Sally grow closer to God, and this makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Even though some of these memories make me crinkle my nose or wish I could go back to that moment and re-do it, collectively, they tell me where I’ve been. More importantly, they tell me where I’m going.
I am all for de-cluttering, but when it comes to your past, I strongly encourage you to be a keeper. Even if it’s ugly. Even if it hurts. Even if there are a million things you have done differently. Keep it. You know the argument that you should let go of the past because you don’t want your past to define you? I disagree. Let it define you, but let it be a working definition. You are not just your past. You are your past, present and future. God did not just write your story up until now and then stop. And He’s not writing your story starting with today’s perfections. Your story needs a beginning (past) middle (present) and an end (future). And while separately, each piece may seem “ehh”, when you put them together, that beautiful mess becomes a beautiful story.
This blog probably has the longest title of any blog I've ever written, but I think it summarizes how I feel. I could easily rabbit trail on this subject for a few more pages, but I will spare you the ever so long train of thought running through my head. What I want to leave you with is this.
1. You were not an accident. There is a reason God chose to make you, and there is a reason He chose to make you the way that you are.
2. You have a story, and it isn’t waiting until something “significant” happens to start. You’re life is already significant, and your story has already started.
3. What we see as random pieces of "ehh", God sees as a perfectly designed masterpiece of "whoah." If you give God your past, present, and future, rather than trying to erase or re-write, I promise you that you will never be disappointed in your story.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Late Night Roaches and Revelations
So it was about 11:30pm, and I was laying in bed, unwinding from my day enjoying the flicker of dim light from my lavender candle, thinking about how great it was that I was going to sleep before midnight, when all of a sudden, I felt really awake. The kind of awake that says... I shouldn't be sleeping right now... something is not right. So i turned my head and spot a ginormous cockroach right by my face. Sooooo not okay. After an embarassing girlish squeal, I sat up trying to figure out where the little stinker went while simultaneously thanking God for my innate bug-dar. It's really quite amazing... I can spot a bug a mile away in my peripheral vision. I just know. I can sense an evil presence.
Realizing the bug had crawled somewhere inside my dresser, I proceeded to dismantle my dresser. It was now roughly midnight and all of my drawers were out with clothes thrown all over my recently cleaned floor. I almost had him, but then he moved, and I squealed again, and off he went. Vanished. So now I'm sitting on my bed with a converse in one hand and a vaccuum in the other, completely wide awake, knowing I will not be able to sleep knowing one of Satan's creatures is lurking beneath my sacred sleeping place. I debated sleeping in my car, but thought, that might be weird. Debated sleeping on my loveseat, but thought, that might be painful. Debated sleeping with my lights on, since I've heard roaches are afraid of lights... so if all of my lights were on, said roach would stay away from me right? Sounded like pretty good logic to me. Right as I was about to conced with this idea, I found him. Stomped him. Squished him. Flushed him. Repeatedly. My gracious, those things just don't die! Seriously, if cats have 9 lives, roaches must have 90. It's ridiculous.
So after my fiasco, I laid back down in bed, re-lit my lavender candle, put on some worship music, grabbled my Bible, hoping to mellow out a little and not have nightmares of bugs crawling all over me all night. Then I started thinking.... Pharoh must have really not wanted to let his people go.
It's blogs like these I suppose that lead people to assert that I should be a pastors wife or a sunday school teacher. I can't help it, it's just how my mind thinks. Stay with me for a moment though. You remember the story of Moses in the Old Testament, where Moses is supposed to go back to Egypt, face his family, and ask Pharoh to let his people go? To let "his" people go, after he had been raised in the same home as the Pharoh. To condemn the very gods he most likely grew up worshipping. Pharoh says no, so God sends all of these plagues, one of which being locusts. Big, fat, ugly locusts, similar to roaches, but with wings, as to enable them to fly. Not only roaches, but frogs, blood, sickness, death. Horrible plagues.
One little cockroach was almost enough to make me consider moving, or at the very least moving to my car for a night. I cannot imagine having so many thousands that you couldn't see in front of you. I am literally cringing just at the thought of it. And yet, as horrendous as that must have been, Pharoh was still unwilling to let his slaves go. Pharoh was still unwilling to allow his heart to be softened, or to worship the I Am that Moses proclaimed.
I've talked to a lot of people about the issue of why salvation isn't freely given to everyone. How can a loving God send His children to Hell? If God was real, wouldn't He love His children enough to forcibly take them into Heaven? These are questions that can never be fully answered and could spur into a myriad of thoughts, but I want to focus on one inparticular. I want to focus on the idea that if God is real, there should be enough evidence to bring us to Him. If God is real, I should be able to know that He is real. If only God proved Himself to me, THEN, I would follow Him.
I've had several conversations with friends who will say "Ok, well, I can't argue with you about who you say God is, but it's just not enough for me. I need something bigger. I need more evidence, more proof. I need evidence beyond any reasonable doubt before I choose to believe in any unseen God. If God is real, I need Him to show Himself to me."
Several times in the gospels, the Pharisees ask Jesus for a sign. They ask Him to do something miraculous and Jesus essentially tells them that they have already been given the signs that they need. No more miraculous sign will sway their opinions. Even when Jesus was hanging on the cross He was taunted by the crowd jeering that if He was really the Messiah, He should do something, give them a sign, step down off the cross. No attention was paid to the fact that as He hung, he was fullfilling prophecy and arguably the greatest sign ever displayed. I don't know why God chooses to speak more loudly to some than others; I suppose that is His perrogative. I don't know why He whispers softly to some and blinds others off their donkies. But I do think He desires to have His message shared with all.
One story that always made me think is in Luke 16, The Rich Man and Lazarus. In a nutshell, Lazarus is very poor, a diseased beggar, who lays at the door of the rich man who lives every day in luxury. He would lay by the door, longing for scraps, and the rich man's dogs would come lick his sores. (Pretty image huh?) One day, the beggar dies and his soul goes to Abraham's Bosom (temporary Heaven if you will, before Christ was resurrected and there was Heaven as we now understand it). The rich man also dies, and his soul goes to the place of the dead. In torment, the rich man sees Lazarus in the far distance with Abraham. The rich man starts shouting and begging Father Abraham to please have pity on him. He begs him to send Lazarus to dip his finger in water to cool him, because he is burning in anguish in the flames.
Abraham replies that while on earth the roles were reversed, and now in death there is justification. The rich man must suffer while Lazarus is comforted, and there is no way for either party to cross to the other side. The rich man begs Father Abraham to send Lazarus to his father's home to warn his five brothers about this horrible place of torment so that they will not have to have this experience. Abraham responds that they have already been warned and have full access to the writings of Moses and the prophets. The rich man retorts that that is not enough; but if someone is sent to them from the dead, then surely they will believe. The story ends with Abrahams response that if they will not listen to Moses, and the prophets, they will not listen to someone else, even if they have raised from the dead.
That always bothered me because I always felt like it was unfair to not provide a blatant orange cone. Something that screams "You are going to suffer eternal damnation if you do not change your ways; but there is hope and everlasting love in the Savior Jesus Christ, and all you must do is believe and take advantage of the abundant life He wants to give you- the abundant life that will save you from death and torment." But as Abraham says, and as Jesus says, and as scripture repeatedly says, we have been given what we need to make a conscious decision on whether or not to follow Christ. The Heavens proclaim God's glory, and if the people no longer praised God, even the rocks would cry out, because God's glory is evident everywhere, in us and through us. He has given us everything we need to make a decision, and if we can still not believe after God has sent His son to die on a cross in our place, and conquered death so that we can share in eternal life, there is no greater sign for us to be shown.
Back to Pharoh. Pharoh made a decision to do what he wanted to do, and to disobey God by keeping slaves. He maintained this decision through plagues of blood, frogs, gnats, flies, livestock, boils, hail, locusts, darkness and death. (Exodus 7-11ish) He maintained this decision though the plea came from Moses who had grown up with him. He maintained his decision through repeated chances, and thus his heart was hardened.
Who are we kidding when we say that we can't follow a God who can't prove Himself to us? Have you honestly never had a moment where you felt that there could possibly be a God and He could possibly be calling you? Maybe even several moments? Do we realize that with every hush of this still small voice we are allowing our hearts to become harder? Our hearts are hardening until we are no longer connected to the spirit and no longer connected to God, and then we wonder why God isn't speaking to us. We wonder why our lives aren't as joyful and fulfilled as scripture promises us they will be.
Do we ever stop and think about the ramifications of allowing our hearts to harden? If we do, do we think only about long drawn out scenarios like Pharoh over a course of several plagues and years of sinfulness, or do we think about the little things, like how in 1 Peter 3 husbands are commanded to give honor to their wives because if they do not treat their wives like they should their prayers will not be heard. Do we think about how "sin" is anything that separates us from God, regardless of how large or small? Do we think about how turning away from God, in any size or fashion, turns us directly away from the benefits of holiness and of our royal inheritance? Do we think, when we are angry with God for not speaking to us, that maybe, just maybe, it's because we have tuned Him out? And maybe, obedience is the first step to reconciliation, and maybe God is desparately longing to speak to us and to share His incredible and omnipotent wisdom with us, if only we will get over ourselves long enough to shut up and listen. That maybe as 2 Peter says if we truly lived in expectation that God wanted to speak to us and into our lives and we lived with faith in that promise that our faith would produce a life of moral excellence, which would lead to knowing God better, which would lead to self-control, which would lead to patient endurance, which would lead to godliness, which would lead to love for other Christians which finally leads to genuine love for everyone, and that in discovering a genuine love for everyone we will have finally discovered our purpose and a fulfilled life?
I realize that that is a mouthful, and it is now almost 2am, but I am just so caught up in the passion of slowly understanding that I am robbing myself of the benefits that are found in abiding in Christ, by making silly choices. Choosing now over forever.
Do we ever stop to think, that maybe, when God says He loves us and wants to spend eternity with us, and wants to share His eternal inheritance with us, and wants to give us abundant life and blessings and joy through earthly trials, and rest for the weary and freedom to the oppressed... maybe, just maybe, He actually means it?
Realizing the bug had crawled somewhere inside my dresser, I proceeded to dismantle my dresser. It was now roughly midnight and all of my drawers were out with clothes thrown all over my recently cleaned floor. I almost had him, but then he moved, and I squealed again, and off he went. Vanished. So now I'm sitting on my bed with a converse in one hand and a vaccuum in the other, completely wide awake, knowing I will not be able to sleep knowing one of Satan's creatures is lurking beneath my sacred sleeping place. I debated sleeping in my car, but thought, that might be weird. Debated sleeping on my loveseat, but thought, that might be painful. Debated sleeping with my lights on, since I've heard roaches are afraid of lights... so if all of my lights were on, said roach would stay away from me right? Sounded like pretty good logic to me. Right as I was about to conced with this idea, I found him. Stomped him. Squished him. Flushed him. Repeatedly. My gracious, those things just don't die! Seriously, if cats have 9 lives, roaches must have 90. It's ridiculous.
So after my fiasco, I laid back down in bed, re-lit my lavender candle, put on some worship music, grabbled my Bible, hoping to mellow out a little and not have nightmares of bugs crawling all over me all night. Then I started thinking.... Pharoh must have really not wanted to let his people go.
It's blogs like these I suppose that lead people to assert that I should be a pastors wife or a sunday school teacher. I can't help it, it's just how my mind thinks. Stay with me for a moment though. You remember the story of Moses in the Old Testament, where Moses is supposed to go back to Egypt, face his family, and ask Pharoh to let his people go? To let "his" people go, after he had been raised in the same home as the Pharoh. To condemn the very gods he most likely grew up worshipping. Pharoh says no, so God sends all of these plagues, one of which being locusts. Big, fat, ugly locusts, similar to roaches, but with wings, as to enable them to fly. Not only roaches, but frogs, blood, sickness, death. Horrible plagues.
One little cockroach was almost enough to make me consider moving, or at the very least moving to my car for a night. I cannot imagine having so many thousands that you couldn't see in front of you. I am literally cringing just at the thought of it. And yet, as horrendous as that must have been, Pharoh was still unwilling to let his slaves go. Pharoh was still unwilling to allow his heart to be softened, or to worship the I Am that Moses proclaimed.
I've talked to a lot of people about the issue of why salvation isn't freely given to everyone. How can a loving God send His children to Hell? If God was real, wouldn't He love His children enough to forcibly take them into Heaven? These are questions that can never be fully answered and could spur into a myriad of thoughts, but I want to focus on one inparticular. I want to focus on the idea that if God is real, there should be enough evidence to bring us to Him. If God is real, I should be able to know that He is real. If only God proved Himself to me, THEN, I would follow Him.
I've had several conversations with friends who will say "Ok, well, I can't argue with you about who you say God is, but it's just not enough for me. I need something bigger. I need more evidence, more proof. I need evidence beyond any reasonable doubt before I choose to believe in any unseen God. If God is real, I need Him to show Himself to me."
Several times in the gospels, the Pharisees ask Jesus for a sign. They ask Him to do something miraculous and Jesus essentially tells them that they have already been given the signs that they need. No more miraculous sign will sway their opinions. Even when Jesus was hanging on the cross He was taunted by the crowd jeering that if He was really the Messiah, He should do something, give them a sign, step down off the cross. No attention was paid to the fact that as He hung, he was fullfilling prophecy and arguably the greatest sign ever displayed. I don't know why God chooses to speak more loudly to some than others; I suppose that is His perrogative. I don't know why He whispers softly to some and blinds others off their donkies. But I do think He desires to have His message shared with all.
One story that always made me think is in Luke 16, The Rich Man and Lazarus. In a nutshell, Lazarus is very poor, a diseased beggar, who lays at the door of the rich man who lives every day in luxury. He would lay by the door, longing for scraps, and the rich man's dogs would come lick his sores. (Pretty image huh?) One day, the beggar dies and his soul goes to Abraham's Bosom (temporary Heaven if you will, before Christ was resurrected and there was Heaven as we now understand it). The rich man also dies, and his soul goes to the place of the dead. In torment, the rich man sees Lazarus in the far distance with Abraham. The rich man starts shouting and begging Father Abraham to please have pity on him. He begs him to send Lazarus to dip his finger in water to cool him, because he is burning in anguish in the flames.
Abraham replies that while on earth the roles were reversed, and now in death there is justification. The rich man must suffer while Lazarus is comforted, and there is no way for either party to cross to the other side. The rich man begs Father Abraham to send Lazarus to his father's home to warn his five brothers about this horrible place of torment so that they will not have to have this experience. Abraham responds that they have already been warned and have full access to the writings of Moses and the prophets. The rich man retorts that that is not enough; but if someone is sent to them from the dead, then surely they will believe. The story ends with Abrahams response that if they will not listen to Moses, and the prophets, they will not listen to someone else, even if they have raised from the dead.
That always bothered me because I always felt like it was unfair to not provide a blatant orange cone. Something that screams "You are going to suffer eternal damnation if you do not change your ways; but there is hope and everlasting love in the Savior Jesus Christ, and all you must do is believe and take advantage of the abundant life He wants to give you- the abundant life that will save you from death and torment." But as Abraham says, and as Jesus says, and as scripture repeatedly says, we have been given what we need to make a conscious decision on whether or not to follow Christ. The Heavens proclaim God's glory, and if the people no longer praised God, even the rocks would cry out, because God's glory is evident everywhere, in us and through us. He has given us everything we need to make a decision, and if we can still not believe after God has sent His son to die on a cross in our place, and conquered death so that we can share in eternal life, there is no greater sign for us to be shown.
Back to Pharoh. Pharoh made a decision to do what he wanted to do, and to disobey God by keeping slaves. He maintained this decision through plagues of blood, frogs, gnats, flies, livestock, boils, hail, locusts, darkness and death. (Exodus 7-11ish) He maintained this decision though the plea came from Moses who had grown up with him. He maintained his decision through repeated chances, and thus his heart was hardened.
Who are we kidding when we say that we can't follow a God who can't prove Himself to us? Have you honestly never had a moment where you felt that there could possibly be a God and He could possibly be calling you? Maybe even several moments? Do we realize that with every hush of this still small voice we are allowing our hearts to become harder? Our hearts are hardening until we are no longer connected to the spirit and no longer connected to God, and then we wonder why God isn't speaking to us. We wonder why our lives aren't as joyful and fulfilled as scripture promises us they will be.
Do we ever stop and think about the ramifications of allowing our hearts to harden? If we do, do we think only about long drawn out scenarios like Pharoh over a course of several plagues and years of sinfulness, or do we think about the little things, like how in 1 Peter 3 husbands are commanded to give honor to their wives because if they do not treat their wives like they should their prayers will not be heard. Do we think about how "sin" is anything that separates us from God, regardless of how large or small? Do we think about how turning away from God, in any size or fashion, turns us directly away from the benefits of holiness and of our royal inheritance? Do we think, when we are angry with God for not speaking to us, that maybe, just maybe, it's because we have tuned Him out? And maybe, obedience is the first step to reconciliation, and maybe God is desparately longing to speak to us and to share His incredible and omnipotent wisdom with us, if only we will get over ourselves long enough to shut up and listen. That maybe as 2 Peter says if we truly lived in expectation that God wanted to speak to us and into our lives and we lived with faith in that promise that our faith would produce a life of moral excellence, which would lead to knowing God better, which would lead to self-control, which would lead to patient endurance, which would lead to godliness, which would lead to love for other Christians which finally leads to genuine love for everyone, and that in discovering a genuine love for everyone we will have finally discovered our purpose and a fulfilled life?
I realize that that is a mouthful, and it is now almost 2am, but I am just so caught up in the passion of slowly understanding that I am robbing myself of the benefits that are found in abiding in Christ, by making silly choices. Choosing now over forever.
Do we ever stop to think, that maybe, when God says He loves us and wants to spend eternity with us, and wants to share His eternal inheritance with us, and wants to give us abundant life and blessings and joy through earthly trials, and rest for the weary and freedom to the oppressed... maybe, just maybe, He actually means it?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I Am Me
This was written by a dear dear friend of mine and I absolutely love it. I hope you are as encouraged by at as I was. Thank you friend for letting me post this!
I Am Me
So you think you know me. You think you’ve got me figured out.
With the small silver cross around my throat it didn’t take you long to understand who I am.
I am ‘that Christian girl’. You know the kind I’m talking about.
The kind that wouldn’t have anything worth while to put into a slam.
That “Christian girl” who has nothing better to do than sit around and judge you for the way you chose to live your life.
You know that “Christian girl” who’s all religious and finds anyone who doesn’t share her opinion meaningless,
That “Christian girl” who’s faith is born out of ignorance, who sees dancing and alcohol and sex and drugs and gays and lesbians and ‘sins’ as a genuine disturbance.
One of those “Christian girls” who wears her shirts too high and skirts too long, walking around with a giant “V” on her forehead.
The type of “Christian girl” who doesn’t know the meaning of real strife,
With her picture perfect mom and picture perfect dad and picture perfect sister and picture perfect life.
Man it must be good to be her... I mean me.
But wait, if you really knew me you’d know more than just the stereotype. You’d know the story behind the necklace.
You’d know that my life is plummeting down, down, down, like Alice in the Rabbit Hole.
You’d know the burdens are piled on so heavy gravity itself can’t seem to keep me up and I’m left helpless. You would know that the only judgment I pass is on myself when I look into the mirror every morning, you’d know the clothes I wear cover up my insecurities within my soul.
And if you really knew me you would see the not-so-picture-perfect mess behind the picture perfect mask, you would know the heartbreak of a family trying to keep it all together when everything around them is falling apart.
So if you really knew me, you would know about my battle with depression. Depression so intense I could feel its coil growing tighter over the years, as if The Snake himself was squeezing the life out of me, feasting on my fears and sadness, feeding me lies and deceit. I felt like Alice trying to find her way out of the rabbit hole, being so convinced of the lies it became harder and harder to find my way back to reality.
Do you know me?
This is who I am:
I am a girl.
I wear a cross as a reminder that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I am a girl who believes that “God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but that the world through Him might be saved.” And so I try to live the same, passing judgment only on myself in hopes of living those words out loud.
I am a girl who values everything you are and all you have to offer, no matter how different your opinion.
I am a girl who believes that she is more than a body, more than what any earthly man might think of her, more than the vessel that’s only job is to carry the soul.
I am a girl that believes that God’s love can change you and make you whole.
I am a girl who defeated the demons of depression on the battlefield that was my life.
I am a girl who has made it back to the other side of the looking glass.
I am a Christian girl, not to be confused with “That Christian Girl”. That’s who I am.
And this was my best attempt at a slam.
I Am Me
So you think you know me. You think you’ve got me figured out.
With the small silver cross around my throat it didn’t take you long to understand who I am.
I am ‘that Christian girl’. You know the kind I’m talking about.
The kind that wouldn’t have anything worth while to put into a slam.
That “Christian girl” who has nothing better to do than sit around and judge you for the way you chose to live your life.
You know that “Christian girl” who’s all religious and finds anyone who doesn’t share her opinion meaningless,
That “Christian girl” who’s faith is born out of ignorance, who sees dancing and alcohol and sex and drugs and gays and lesbians and ‘sins’ as a genuine disturbance.
One of those “Christian girls” who wears her shirts too high and skirts too long, walking around with a giant “V” on her forehead.
The type of “Christian girl” who doesn’t know the meaning of real strife,
With her picture perfect mom and picture perfect dad and picture perfect sister and picture perfect life.
Man it must be good to be her... I mean me.
But wait, if you really knew me you’d know more than just the stereotype. You’d know the story behind the necklace.
You’d know that my life is plummeting down, down, down, like Alice in the Rabbit Hole.
You’d know the burdens are piled on so heavy gravity itself can’t seem to keep me up and I’m left helpless. You would know that the only judgment I pass is on myself when I look into the mirror every morning, you’d know the clothes I wear cover up my insecurities within my soul.
And if you really knew me you would see the not-so-picture-perfect mess behind the picture perfect mask, you would know the heartbreak of a family trying to keep it all together when everything around them is falling apart.
So if you really knew me, you would know about my battle with depression. Depression so intense I could feel its coil growing tighter over the years, as if The Snake himself was squeezing the life out of me, feasting on my fears and sadness, feeding me lies and deceit. I felt like Alice trying to find her way out of the rabbit hole, being so convinced of the lies it became harder and harder to find my way back to reality.
Do you know me?
This is who I am:
I am a girl.
I wear a cross as a reminder that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I am a girl who believes that “God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but that the world through Him might be saved.” And so I try to live the same, passing judgment only on myself in hopes of living those words out loud.
I am a girl who values everything you are and all you have to offer, no matter how different your opinion.
I am a girl who believes that she is more than a body, more than what any earthly man might think of her, more than the vessel that’s only job is to carry the soul.
I am a girl that believes that God’s love can change you and make you whole.
I am a girl who defeated the demons of depression on the battlefield that was my life.
I am a girl who has made it back to the other side of the looking glass.
I am a Christian girl, not to be confused with “That Christian Girl”. That’s who I am.
And this was my best attempt at a slam.
What is God's plan for my Life? The eternal question
Coming from a fairly conservative, Christian upbringing, there has never been a time I haven't been faced with the question "What is God's plan for my life?" I think this is something everyone wants to know. Even those who do not believe in God, or who choose to not engage in a relationship with Christ can still relate to being struck with the question of purpose. "Why am I here?" "What was I made to do?" "What should I do with my life?"
Throughout the years I've had many a late night discussion, sat through many a sermon, and journaled in many a quiet time as I tried to discern where God was calling me. I remember being confused in elementary school because in kindergarten they kept telling me I was there to prepare for the first grade. Then when I finally achieved success and made it to the first grade they told me I was only there to prepare for the second grade. This pattern continued and somewhere along the fifth/sixth grade mark I realized that the entire reason I was in any of these grades was to prepare for life. My entire life has been about my future.
There's this pressure to figure out where God is calling you. Like there's one road you're supposed to travel down and if you take a wrong turn your whole life will be wasted. I feel like we can miss out on so much of our life trying to figure out how to do life rather than actually doing it. There's so much emphasis on where we are headed in our future rather than where we are now. As I sit through conversation after conversation with college friends and high school students questioning what they are supposed to commit to for their life, I can't help but think, maybe it's not an issue of finding something specific that God is calling you to commit your life to, and maybe it's not an issue of right and wrong choices. Maybe God is simply calling us to abide in Him, and finding a way to commit to Christ now.
Throughout scripture, rarely do you read of someone who had one set plan from youth into adulthood that they actively had to pursue. More often than not it was someone who was just going about their ordinary, mundane life when God decided to take them on a new adventure. Those who were actively pursuing the calling God had for them often ended up somewhere completely different. Seeking God's will for our lives isn't a bad thing, but the problem is that when we seek out what God has for our lives, we take over the control to make it happen. We're no longer living by faith, but rather we are living by logic and careful planning. It’s not a bad thing to plan ahead but maybe this isn’t a burden we are meant to handle by ourselves.
This week I especially wrestled with this idea as I have been researching various ministries to be involved in in my new hometown. There's so many! Do I stick with the youth ministry since I now have 6 years experience under my belt? Do I go to another age group? Do I focus on inner city? Prison ministry? Where has God equipped me to go? I could spend months pouring over the various ministry websites, taking spiritual gifts tests, etc... but at some point, I am going to have to pick one.
I was just talking to a friend about the hesitancy to commit to something that doesn't promise a long timeline. There can be a hesitancy to commit to a ministry if you're not sure it's where God has you or if you know you won't be there for a long period of time. It can be tempting to stay somewhere familiar and safe while you wait for that perfect life plan to fall into your lap. One thing I learned in college was that God can do a lot with a little bit of time, and God can do a lot in places you never expected to go. The greatest impact I had in ministry and the greatest personal growth I experienced along with some of my deepest relationships all happened in my last semester at college. They happened in ministries I was reluctant to commit to, and jobs that were solely to pay the bills. If I had skipped out on these opportunities since I knew I only had a few months, I would have missed out on so much joy. That’s the great thing about God. He really can use anything and everything for His glory.
The more I've thought about it, the more I think that God is not calling us to a specific location or vocation or ministry. I think he is simply calling us to abide in Him. To love God, and love others. To seek first the kingdom of Heaven so that He can add everything else to us. I think that's the whole point of Christianity. It's not about a list of do's and don'ts, or having this constant pressure of trying to figure out the one role we are meant to play in life. It’s not about trying to discover our purpose. It’s about knowing we have a purpose. It's about learning to be me. It's about learning about God's love for me, and finding ways to share that love with others. It's about having an infectious devotion to the good news of having freedom in Christ. Freedom to live the life that only we can live. Freedom to enjoy our lives. Freedom to experience the incredible blessing of unconditional love. Freedom to unconditionally love others. It's not about falling into the right mold. It's about making my own mold, and learning how to be me.
Throughout the years I've had many a late night discussion, sat through many a sermon, and journaled in many a quiet time as I tried to discern where God was calling me. I remember being confused in elementary school because in kindergarten they kept telling me I was there to prepare for the first grade. Then when I finally achieved success and made it to the first grade they told me I was only there to prepare for the second grade. This pattern continued and somewhere along the fifth/sixth grade mark I realized that the entire reason I was in any of these grades was to prepare for life. My entire life has been about my future.
There's this pressure to figure out where God is calling you. Like there's one road you're supposed to travel down and if you take a wrong turn your whole life will be wasted. I feel like we can miss out on so much of our life trying to figure out how to do life rather than actually doing it. There's so much emphasis on where we are headed in our future rather than where we are now. As I sit through conversation after conversation with college friends and high school students questioning what they are supposed to commit to for their life, I can't help but think, maybe it's not an issue of finding something specific that God is calling you to commit your life to, and maybe it's not an issue of right and wrong choices. Maybe God is simply calling us to abide in Him, and finding a way to commit to Christ now.
Throughout scripture, rarely do you read of someone who had one set plan from youth into adulthood that they actively had to pursue. More often than not it was someone who was just going about their ordinary, mundane life when God decided to take them on a new adventure. Those who were actively pursuing the calling God had for them often ended up somewhere completely different. Seeking God's will for our lives isn't a bad thing, but the problem is that when we seek out what God has for our lives, we take over the control to make it happen. We're no longer living by faith, but rather we are living by logic and careful planning. It’s not a bad thing to plan ahead but maybe this isn’t a burden we are meant to handle by ourselves.
This week I especially wrestled with this idea as I have been researching various ministries to be involved in in my new hometown. There's so many! Do I stick with the youth ministry since I now have 6 years experience under my belt? Do I go to another age group? Do I focus on inner city? Prison ministry? Where has God equipped me to go? I could spend months pouring over the various ministry websites, taking spiritual gifts tests, etc... but at some point, I am going to have to pick one.
I was just talking to a friend about the hesitancy to commit to something that doesn't promise a long timeline. There can be a hesitancy to commit to a ministry if you're not sure it's where God has you or if you know you won't be there for a long period of time. It can be tempting to stay somewhere familiar and safe while you wait for that perfect life plan to fall into your lap. One thing I learned in college was that God can do a lot with a little bit of time, and God can do a lot in places you never expected to go. The greatest impact I had in ministry and the greatest personal growth I experienced along with some of my deepest relationships all happened in my last semester at college. They happened in ministries I was reluctant to commit to, and jobs that were solely to pay the bills. If I had skipped out on these opportunities since I knew I only had a few months, I would have missed out on so much joy. That’s the great thing about God. He really can use anything and everything for His glory.
The more I've thought about it, the more I think that God is not calling us to a specific location or vocation or ministry. I think he is simply calling us to abide in Him. To love God, and love others. To seek first the kingdom of Heaven so that He can add everything else to us. I think that's the whole point of Christianity. It's not about a list of do's and don'ts, or having this constant pressure of trying to figure out the one role we are meant to play in life. It’s not about trying to discover our purpose. It’s about knowing we have a purpose. It's about learning to be me. It's about learning about God's love for me, and finding ways to share that love with others. It's about having an infectious devotion to the good news of having freedom in Christ. Freedom to live the life that only we can live. Freedom to enjoy our lives. Freedom to experience the incredible blessing of unconditional love. Freedom to unconditionally love others. It's not about falling into the right mold. It's about making my own mold, and learning how to be me.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Update on my life
I have internet! This is so exciting. I feel as though it has been forever since my last post. I have a plethora of blogs that have been collecting dust either in my documents folder or my brain that I am very excited to start posting now that I am reconnected to the world.
A brief update on my life- I am officially a SanDiegan! I am an Account Coordinator at a fantastic Ad Agency in San Diego and I love it. Essentially I coordinate accounts. I work with the Clients to make sure everything is happening when its supposed to happen. I also have the role of putting on any hat that comes my way. It's great because I get to do a little bit of everything and every day is a new experience.
I moved a couple weekends ago into an adorable little one bedroom apartment. I am proud to say, I officially unpacked my last box today. Everything is clean and organized and my house will never look this good again. I'm excited to start decorating :)
This weekend I will fly back to VA for graduation and a couple of weddings. I am attempting to do two weddings in one day... we'll see how that goes. Both couples I set up so I am very excited to have been a part of their love stories from day 1. Very excited to see my Lynchburg family and all of my middle school girls. And excited to have a break from the chaos of fulltime working and moving.
The few moments I have had this past month to sit and reflect have led me to the conclusion that I really do not know myself as well as I thought I did. I am learning new things every day. I realize this sounds odd... you would think you should know yourself better than anyone else... but I'm finding that I really have not met myself yet. There's something about living on your own that forces you to really figure out who you are. I'm excited for this new adventure.
It's an odd transition from childhood into adulthood. Supposedly you prepare for this your entire life, but I can't help feeling like I just spent the last 22 years being a kid and now all of a sudden I blink and BAM! I'm expected to be an adult. I feel like I've spent my entire life wishing I was a little older, a little wiser, and now I find myself wishing I could just slam on the breaks and get my bearings for a moment. I don't feel like a grown up. Given my genetics and quick metabolism I don't much look like an adult either. I think perhaps the most difficult part of being an adult is believing you are one.
But now it is midnight, which is the new 3am. I have become accustomed to falling asleep around 10pm, which is my new midnight. I have the sleeping habits of a 50 year old so that must be the new 22. Last Friday I got a voicemail message from a friend that said "Hi Sarah, it's about 9pm so you're probably out partying or having fun but call me when you get home." I was definitely sleeping for the night. Oh youth. Where have you gone? Why have you departed so abruptly?
Sleep now, Busy busy work day tomorrow, Lynchburg tomorrow night. That is the update of my life in a nutshell. More soon!
A brief update on my life- I am officially a SanDiegan! I am an Account Coordinator at a fantastic Ad Agency in San Diego and I love it. Essentially I coordinate accounts. I work with the Clients to make sure everything is happening when its supposed to happen. I also have the role of putting on any hat that comes my way. It's great because I get to do a little bit of everything and every day is a new experience.
I moved a couple weekends ago into an adorable little one bedroom apartment. I am proud to say, I officially unpacked my last box today. Everything is clean and organized and my house will never look this good again. I'm excited to start decorating :)
This weekend I will fly back to VA for graduation and a couple of weddings. I am attempting to do two weddings in one day... we'll see how that goes. Both couples I set up so I am very excited to have been a part of their love stories from day 1. Very excited to see my Lynchburg family and all of my middle school girls. And excited to have a break from the chaos of fulltime working and moving.
The few moments I have had this past month to sit and reflect have led me to the conclusion that I really do not know myself as well as I thought I did. I am learning new things every day. I realize this sounds odd... you would think you should know yourself better than anyone else... but I'm finding that I really have not met myself yet. There's something about living on your own that forces you to really figure out who you are. I'm excited for this new adventure.
It's an odd transition from childhood into adulthood. Supposedly you prepare for this your entire life, but I can't help feeling like I just spent the last 22 years being a kid and now all of a sudden I blink and BAM! I'm expected to be an adult. I feel like I've spent my entire life wishing I was a little older, a little wiser, and now I find myself wishing I could just slam on the breaks and get my bearings for a moment. I don't feel like a grown up. Given my genetics and quick metabolism I don't much look like an adult either. I think perhaps the most difficult part of being an adult is believing you are one.
But now it is midnight, which is the new 3am. I have become accustomed to falling asleep around 10pm, which is my new midnight. I have the sleeping habits of a 50 year old so that must be the new 22. Last Friday I got a voicemail message from a friend that said "Hi Sarah, it's about 9pm so you're probably out partying or having fun but call me when you get home." I was definitely sleeping for the night. Oh youth. Where have you gone? Why have you departed so abruptly?
Sleep now, Busy busy work day tomorrow, Lynchburg tomorrow night. That is the update of my life in a nutshell. More soon!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
"Decent" movies
"Why aren't there more decent movies out there. Why do all movies have to have inappropriate scenes. There should be more wholesome media choices." I hear this a lot. Christians are all about their wholesome media options. It's a common conversation among believers to discuss the horror of secular media and to reflect after watching a movie like "Facing the Giants" or "Fireproof" that there should be more movies like that in this world. Hollywood should clean up their act. And I agree. I appreciate wholesome movies as much as the next conservative. But can I be honest for a moment, and present the idea that maybe Hollywood keeps making secular media over "wholesome" media because it's what we watch?
Talk to any Hollywood producer and they will tell you that the majority of their media proposals are based on viewer response. If conservative, innocent, films had a large fan base, I guarantee there would be more of them. The truth is that Christians enjoy secular entertainment just as much as the next person. Whether we want to admit it or not, we enjoy the racy movies. We may not agree with the profanity or suggestive language or sexual scenes but we brush it off to the side and continue watching our movie.
Food for thought: If we want to make a difference, a positive impact in media, maybe we should stop condeming the very people we simultaneously support and start making a change in ourselves.
Talk to any Hollywood producer and they will tell you that the majority of their media proposals are based on viewer response. If conservative, innocent, films had a large fan base, I guarantee there would be more of them. The truth is that Christians enjoy secular entertainment just as much as the next person. Whether we want to admit it or not, we enjoy the racy movies. We may not agree with the profanity or suggestive language or sexual scenes but we brush it off to the side and continue watching our movie.
Food for thought: If we want to make a difference, a positive impact in media, maybe we should stop condeming the very people we simultaneously support and start making a change in ourselves.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Another Year Of Me
My birthday was Monday. My new job started Monday. My search for a new home in a new city started Monday. It's a new year. I am learning to become an independent woman. Learning how to do life. It's a slow process, but I think I'm moving forward. These are the things I would like to do in the following year. I figure if I publish my list it will create some level of accountability. Within the next year I would like to:
1. Learn a new language
2. Advance in the two languages I currently understand (English and Spanish)
3. Learn to cook delicious and nutritious food for myself on a daily basis
4. Practice guitar and learn to play at least 3 original songs on guitar
5. Write a book
6. Become a consistent blogger
7. Become independent. Whatever that means.
8. Read at least 15 books
9. Make a new friend group
10. Adhere to a consistent exercise routine
I think more than anything, I would like to learn how to be me. How to really love. How to laugh. Each of these are lifelong projects I will always be working on. In the meantime, these are my top 10 achievable goals to pursue within this next year. What are yours?
1. Learn a new language
2. Advance in the two languages I currently understand (English and Spanish)
3. Learn to cook delicious and nutritious food for myself on a daily basis
4. Practice guitar and learn to play at least 3 original songs on guitar
5. Write a book
6. Become a consistent blogger
7. Become independent. Whatever that means.
8. Read at least 15 books
9. Make a new friend group
10. Adhere to a consistent exercise routine
I think more than anything, I would like to learn how to be me. How to really love. How to laugh. Each of these are lifelong projects I will always be working on. In the meantime, these are my top 10 achievable goals to pursue within this next year. What are yours?
Friday, April 1, 2011
How "Working Out" Has Enhanced My "Work Out"
I am officially a working girl and as such have limited freetime. My typical day consists of waking up somewhere between 5-5:45am, depending on how strongly I actually want to have a good hair day. (Typical wake-up thought process: "5am... time to wake up... wanted to curl hair... but so tired... so early... I can just blow dry. .... 5:20am... time to wake up... need to blow dry hair with round brush... but so tired.... so early... I can just dry it normal. .... 5:30am... time to wake up... need to dry hair.... but so tired... so early... pony tail sounds good. ... 5:45am... time to wake up... need to shower and grab hair tie... but so tired... so early... but what??? 6am??? only 30 minutes to get ready??? .... I hope i left a hair tie in the car...)
If you comment below that you have had a similar conversation with yourself I will feel significantly more justified in my morning routine. So back to my day. I wake up, get dressed, grab my high heeled shoes and get on the road. Usually I'm on the freeway between 6:30-6:45am where I bond with my fellow commuters via eye reflections through rearview mirrors and middle fingers. Not from me of course... but some of my fellow commuters feel this is an effective mode of communication. I am going to translate said communication as them saying "Good morning fellow commuter. My empathies about having to be in traffic at this god forsaken hour of the morning. If I were more awake and thinking more coherently, I would smile at you, and wish you well on your journey. But as I am very tired and must focus on the road, I will instead show you my finger as a signal of our newfound friendship." I'm pretty sure that's what this means.
I get to work around 8am. Drink my coffee. Check my email. Proceed with my day at my wonderful job. Then my day ends at 5pm and I return to my car to rejoin my fellow commuters. A friend shows me his middle finger but this time I translate it to say "Hello again friend. I probably saw you this morning but was too tired to properly acknowledge you. I am going to acknowledge you now. I think you're great for being this committed to your work. I am too. If I weren't so anxious to catch this weeks episode of American Idol, I would smile, and hope you had a good day. But since time is of the essence and I will need to eat dinner and take off my tie before my show, I will instead show you my middle finger as a signal of my joyful eagerness to see you again." I'm pretty sure this is what he means.
So now it's 7pm. I am either home or working with my amazing highschool girls. Either way, I shovel down some dinner, complete whatever personal tasks are at hand, and now it is 10pm. I stop and think about how I should probably get some sleep seeing as I will need to be awake in 7 hours, but then I blink and it is midnight. My head hits the pillow and sends me into an instant coma. 5 hours later, KFrog is serenating me with a bittersweet "Hey Ya'll. Time to wake up. You'll want to curl your hair this morning." Rinse and repeat.
As you can see, this leaves little to no time for traditional exercise. Since I have started working outside of my home, it was hindering my standard workout. I have since developed an exercise system that I believe can fit perfectly into even the busiest schedule. I can adhere strictly to this schedule, which is great, because it allows me the freedom to enjoy fast food and sweets without guilt or shame. Because I know I have been exercising ALL day.
1. Sit-Up. Not sit-ups, sit-up. Just one. I do my first half in the morning when I sit up out of bed, and the second half in the evening when I lay back down in my bed. I feel that this is more successful than the standard set of situps. Any fitness expert will tell you that if you work a certain muscle group too often they will become immune to the exercise. It's true. Go ahead and google it. I'll wait. The way I see it, people like Usher and Matthew McConaughey can go ahead and stick with their rigorous 1,000 sit-ups routine, and they may be content with their measly little six pack abs. But if that's the result of 1,000 sit-ups, just imagine what my one sit-up will do for me. All that time for my muscles to regenerate and ensuring they never become immune to my routine. I'm thinking 14 pack baby. Abs of steel? Try Abs of granite.
2. Bicep curls. This one is a little trickier. It's very important to pay attention to which bicep you are curling as to not become disproportionately buff. The great part to this exercise, is that you can do it ALL day long. Just be sure to balance. For example: I use my right bicep to lift my toothbrush from the counter to my mouth, but then I use my left bicep to lift the toothpaste to the brush. I lift my right bicep to lift my pasta alfredo from my fork to my mouth, but I use my left bicep to lift my napkin to my lips. I use my right bicep to lift my pencil to my paper, but I use my left bicep to eat the chocolate chip cookies our client graciously delivered to us. See what I mean? It's an art really. A true art.
3. Push Ups. You can also do a reverse push up. Same effect. This can also be carried out throughout your day. For example, whenever I need something in the office that is just simply too far of a walk, I just push my body away from my desk and scoot across my office in my rolling chair. Splendid upper body workout.
4. Calf Exercise. I don't really have an official name for any sort of calf exercise, but wearing high heeled shoes all day has to do something for your legs. It just has to.
5. Chair sits. If you work in an office, this is an easy one. This one makes me feel truly accomplished at the end of my day as I spend 82% of my day engaged in this exercise. I sit in my car as I drive to work. I sit in my chair in my office. I sit on the couch when I come home. I am all about the chair sit. I've heard the chair sit is spectacular for your thighs. I just know I am going to see major toning improvements in the immediate future. Though some fitness trainers may advise you to chair sit without an actual chair... I think if you do the occassional tummy or glute squeeze while in your chair, you're pretty much achieving the same result.
And there you have it. 5 exercises that can fit perfectly into even the busiest persons routine. These are just some of my favorites. There is a myriad of exercise potential. There is no longer an excuse to not be fit. Even as I write this blog I am right bicep curling a cheeseburger to my face and left bicep curling a milkshake to my mouth. I'm probably in the best shape of my life. And now you can be too! You are welcome friend. You are welcome.
For more tips and tricks, check out this link.
If you comment below that you have had a similar conversation with yourself I will feel significantly more justified in my morning routine. So back to my day. I wake up, get dressed, grab my high heeled shoes and get on the road. Usually I'm on the freeway between 6:30-6:45am where I bond with my fellow commuters via eye reflections through rearview mirrors and middle fingers. Not from me of course... but some of my fellow commuters feel this is an effective mode of communication. I am going to translate said communication as them saying "Good morning fellow commuter. My empathies about having to be in traffic at this god forsaken hour of the morning. If I were more awake and thinking more coherently, I would smile at you, and wish you well on your journey. But as I am very tired and must focus on the road, I will instead show you my finger as a signal of our newfound friendship." I'm pretty sure that's what this means.
I get to work around 8am. Drink my coffee. Check my email. Proceed with my day at my wonderful job. Then my day ends at 5pm and I return to my car to rejoin my fellow commuters. A friend shows me his middle finger but this time I translate it to say "Hello again friend. I probably saw you this morning but was too tired to properly acknowledge you. I am going to acknowledge you now. I think you're great for being this committed to your work. I am too. If I weren't so anxious to catch this weeks episode of American Idol, I would smile, and hope you had a good day. But since time is of the essence and I will need to eat dinner and take off my tie before my show, I will instead show you my middle finger as a signal of my joyful eagerness to see you again." I'm pretty sure this is what he means.
So now it's 7pm. I am either home or working with my amazing highschool girls. Either way, I shovel down some dinner, complete whatever personal tasks are at hand, and now it is 10pm. I stop and think about how I should probably get some sleep seeing as I will need to be awake in 7 hours, but then I blink and it is midnight. My head hits the pillow and sends me into an instant coma. 5 hours later, KFrog is serenating me with a bittersweet "Hey Ya'll. Time to wake up. You'll want to curl your hair this morning." Rinse and repeat.
As you can see, this leaves little to no time for traditional exercise. Since I have started working outside of my home, it was hindering my standard workout. I have since developed an exercise system that I believe can fit perfectly into even the busiest schedule. I can adhere strictly to this schedule, which is great, because it allows me the freedom to enjoy fast food and sweets without guilt or shame. Because I know I have been exercising ALL day.
1. Sit-Up. Not sit-ups, sit-up. Just one. I do my first half in the morning when I sit up out of bed, and the second half in the evening when I lay back down in my bed. I feel that this is more successful than the standard set of situps. Any fitness expert will tell you that if you work a certain muscle group too often they will become immune to the exercise. It's true. Go ahead and google it. I'll wait. The way I see it, people like Usher and Matthew McConaughey can go ahead and stick with their rigorous 1,000 sit-ups routine, and they may be content with their measly little six pack abs. But if that's the result of 1,000 sit-ups, just imagine what my one sit-up will do for me. All that time for my muscles to regenerate and ensuring they never become immune to my routine. I'm thinking 14 pack baby. Abs of steel? Try Abs of granite.
2. Bicep curls. This one is a little trickier. It's very important to pay attention to which bicep you are curling as to not become disproportionately buff. The great part to this exercise, is that you can do it ALL day long. Just be sure to balance. For example: I use my right bicep to lift my toothbrush from the counter to my mouth, but then I use my left bicep to lift the toothpaste to the brush. I lift my right bicep to lift my pasta alfredo from my fork to my mouth, but I use my left bicep to lift my napkin to my lips. I use my right bicep to lift my pencil to my paper, but I use my left bicep to eat the chocolate chip cookies our client graciously delivered to us. See what I mean? It's an art really. A true art.
3. Push Ups. You can also do a reverse push up. Same effect. This can also be carried out throughout your day. For example, whenever I need something in the office that is just simply too far of a walk, I just push my body away from my desk and scoot across my office in my rolling chair. Splendid upper body workout.
4. Calf Exercise. I don't really have an official name for any sort of calf exercise, but wearing high heeled shoes all day has to do something for your legs. It just has to.
5. Chair sits. If you work in an office, this is an easy one. This one makes me feel truly accomplished at the end of my day as I spend 82% of my day engaged in this exercise. I sit in my car as I drive to work. I sit in my chair in my office. I sit on the couch when I come home. I am all about the chair sit. I've heard the chair sit is spectacular for your thighs. I just know I am going to see major toning improvements in the immediate future. Though some fitness trainers may advise you to chair sit without an actual chair... I think if you do the occassional tummy or glute squeeze while in your chair, you're pretty much achieving the same result.
And there you have it. 5 exercises that can fit perfectly into even the busiest persons routine. These are just some of my favorites. There is a myriad of exercise potential. There is no longer an excuse to not be fit. Even as I write this blog I am right bicep curling a cheeseburger to my face and left bicep curling a milkshake to my mouth. I'm probably in the best shape of my life. And now you can be too! You are welcome friend. You are welcome.
For more tips and tricks, check out this link.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
In the name of Love?
Today I was having a lazy Sunday, doing some laundry, watching the latest SNL, and one clip kind of struck a nerve. I may be standing on my soapbox a little in this post so let me enter the disclaimer that I do not claim to be perfect and this post is just as relevant to myself as it is to anyone.
SNL has always been a kind of hit and miss show but I enjoy it. One of my favorite segments of the show is the Weekend Update with Seth Meyers. There's just something cathartic about knowing there are other people in the world equally as appauled with some of the things that make it to the news. The clip that stood out to me today was a short news story on the Westborough Baptist Church protesting at military funerals as viewed by the devil. You can watch it here.
As much as I was mildly amused by the devils perspective, there was also a dark truth behind this clip. This church is notorious for its hate rallies against homosexuals, picketing funerals, and desecrating the American flag. I'm not sure which religion this church is affiliated with but to the radicals out there, I wish more than anything they would come to understand the damage they are causing. I understand the concept of eradicating evil in hopes of creating a perfect world but who are we to even pretend we understand what a perfect world looks like?
I know that this sketch was meant to poke fun at these radical groups but there is something about the dialogue that left me bothered. Towards the end of the video "the devil" starts talking about how someday this group will go to hell and he is going to dress up like God and say "oh yes, good job, great work" and then all of a sudden take off his God costume and say "BAM! You've been damned!" Again, I realize this was made light of in the name of humor but I wonder about how that scenario will really go when people who do things like this church or people who fly planes into buildings or people who strap bombs to themselves or who hold hurtful protest signs at abortion clinics and gay pride parades, when these people stand in front of God thinking they've been serving him while the whole time they actually were turning people away from him. For that matter I wonder about the things in my life that I claim to do in the name of righteousness and what God will say about how I treated his flock. Did I love his people? Did I care for his sheep?
That's the thing with Christians. I don't mean to generalize, but as a whole, Christians tend to complain about their persecution, about how people don't like them. But never once have I heard someone say "Oh.... I hate her... she's just so Christian. I mean she just loves people so much... she's too loving. It's horrible." I have however heard adjectives like "hypocritical", "judgemental", "condemning", "prideful", "arrogant", "naiive." What adjectives are we wearing each day? Christians, we say we want to represent God. God is love. Henceforth, we should represent love, yes? Use I Corinthians 13 as a reference. How much of this description is accurate in our own life? Consistently?
My thoughts are a little scrambled but ultimately the message I'd like to get across is that loving other people is infinitely more successful than proclaiming righteousness in hatred or condemnation. The next time you think about judging someone, put yourself in their shoes, and try loving them instead.
SNL has always been a kind of hit and miss show but I enjoy it. One of my favorite segments of the show is the Weekend Update with Seth Meyers. There's just something cathartic about knowing there are other people in the world equally as appauled with some of the things that make it to the news. The clip that stood out to me today was a short news story on the Westborough Baptist Church protesting at military funerals as viewed by the devil. You can watch it here.
As much as I was mildly amused by the devils perspective, there was also a dark truth behind this clip. This church is notorious for its hate rallies against homosexuals, picketing funerals, and desecrating the American flag. I'm not sure which religion this church is affiliated with but to the radicals out there, I wish more than anything they would come to understand the damage they are causing. I understand the concept of eradicating evil in hopes of creating a perfect world but who are we to even pretend we understand what a perfect world looks like?
I know that this sketch was meant to poke fun at these radical groups but there is something about the dialogue that left me bothered. Towards the end of the video "the devil" starts talking about how someday this group will go to hell and he is going to dress up like God and say "oh yes, good job, great work" and then all of a sudden take off his God costume and say "BAM! You've been damned!" Again, I realize this was made light of in the name of humor but I wonder about how that scenario will really go when people who do things like this church or people who fly planes into buildings or people who strap bombs to themselves or who hold hurtful protest signs at abortion clinics and gay pride parades, when these people stand in front of God thinking they've been serving him while the whole time they actually were turning people away from him. For that matter I wonder about the things in my life that I claim to do in the name of righteousness and what God will say about how I treated his flock. Did I love his people? Did I care for his sheep?
That's the thing with Christians. I don't mean to generalize, but as a whole, Christians tend to complain about their persecution, about how people don't like them. But never once have I heard someone say "Oh.... I hate her... she's just so Christian. I mean she just loves people so much... she's too loving. It's horrible." I have however heard adjectives like "hypocritical", "judgemental", "condemning", "prideful", "arrogant", "naiive." What adjectives are we wearing each day? Christians, we say we want to represent God. God is love. Henceforth, we should represent love, yes? Use I Corinthians 13 as a reference. How much of this description is accurate in our own life? Consistently?
My thoughts are a little scrambled but ultimately the message I'd like to get across is that loving other people is infinitely more successful than proclaiming righteousness in hatred or condemnation. The next time you think about judging someone, put yourself in their shoes, and try loving them instead.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A beautiful life unplanned
I sat down at my keyboard tonight, and this is what came out. "A Life Unplanned." Lyrics below. A little cheesy maybe. Most songs are. Getting a little vulnerable here so stay with me. Fear and doubt are acquaintances of mine but they do not often stay long and I'm not looking for any "there there" kinds of comments. Sometimes life just seems to happen really fast. Similar to the concept behind my "Just Do It" post, life is still moving quickly, it is still intimidating, and I still need to just do it. I'm still a planner. I still hate uncertainty. I really can't describe to you what the unknown feels like to me. Exciting, but terrifying. My confidence is on a teeter totter lately. Some days I feel incredibly prepared- I remember that I have been preparing for life for over two decades and I truly believe I can do anything I set my mind to. I remember that God has never let me down before and I have always been successful when I really set my mind to something and I feel ready to take on life. Other days, I feel incredibly inadequate, timid, and not ready. It's mind over matter really. If I let myself listen to that little voice of insecurity, I hold myself back. If I choose to ignore it and I choose instead to remember that with perseverance, google, and a little bit of sweat there's nothing you can't accomplish, I feel ready to take on the world.
As difficult as it may be for me to believe at times, my philosophy is truly that impossible is just a word. As much as I struggle with doubt, I do truly believe that everyone was created with a unique set of skills and personality and that everyone has the potential to be and do something amazing. Something big.
To all readers who may be facing a new chapter in life, a new direction, a decision-- You can do it. You can be all you can be. You can do anything you set your mind to. And you will be fine. Uncomfortable? Maybe. But nothing of eternal significance ever happens in your comfort zone. And realistically, you can only take one step at a time, so just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Stress happens when you stop to dwell on the unknown. The trick is to move too quickly for stress to keep up. Embrace the beauty of a life unplanned.
These are the lyrics that trickled out tonight. Like I said, a little cheesy, but sometimes the first draft is simply the most honest.
Can the world slow down, for just one day
Can I just push pause for a brief escape
Can someone give me an answer, tell me what’s next
I’m so afraid of taking another unknown step
Sometimes it seems I become paralyzed
Lost in frustration as I quickly realize
I see my youth and childhood in my rear view mirror
Innocence behind me, Uncertainty ahead
Decisions surround me, in isolation
Can we please just stop time for a moment
Just long enough to catch my breath and make a plan
Can we please just pause life for a second
Will someone just please take my hand
No longer a child, but I still don’t feel grown
Surrounded by friends and family, but I still feel alone
I’ve spent my whole life in a huddle, learning to prepare
Now they’re telling me it’s time to play, and my audience is staring at me
Telling me to make a move, any move will do
And when I finally think I’m ready, and I go to take that step
My insecurities overcomes me, and all I know, I somehow forget
And I see my youth and childhood in my rearview mirror
Innocence behind me, uncertainty ahead
Decisions surround me, in isolation
Can we please stop time for just a moment
Just long enough to catch my breath and make a plan
Can we please just pause life for a second
Will someone just please take my hand
So I close my eyes, step into the unknown
Remember everything I’ve learned
Hold my head up high, put on my high heeled shoes
And though decisions overwhelm me, I open my eyes and choose
And I see my youth and childhood in my rearview mirror
Innocence behind me, uncertainty ahead
Decisions surround me; I could turn back but insteadI thank God for this moment
Take a breath and enjoy a life unplanned
And I won’t waste another second
Trying to understand
There’s a life worth living, and a future for me
And 20 years of preparation, being told that I can be all I want to be
Striving every moment, to be my best
To become the woman, I was meant to be
And I put one foot in front of the other, step into possibility
Because time goes by, Life moves on
And I won’t waste another minute, trying to understand
Because time goes by, Life moves on
And I’m living a life, unplanned
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I love you!... And 24 others
I will admit it; I really enjoy watching the Bachelor. It's my guilty pleasure. You know that expression about something being like a train wreck, where you really want to look away you just can't? That's kind of how I feel about the Bachelor. They never choose who I think they should choose, they always get rid of the nice girls/guys who have their life together and keep the silly people around for extra drama and the whole concept of finding love through reality television seems a bit ridiculous and I tell myself every season that this is a silly show and I could be finding more productive ways to spend my time... yet alas I still find myself hanging out with the girls every Monday night, eating junk food, laughing about life and making predictions over who he/she will choose.
I'm not exactly sure what the appeal is, it's just kind of delightful to watch each season. You have the first episode where the first half hour is the Bachelor or Bachelorette jogging and taking their shirt off, followed by a sentimental speech as to why they are ready to say yes to love. Then you have the contestants who also jog around and take their shirts off. The first cocktail party where everyone gets out of the limo and recites their memorized first impression line. You catch a glimpse of the contestants’ strategies. Some go for deep conversation, some go for lighthearted comradary, some get confused and think they're at a talent show. Everyone is competing for the Bachelor/Bachelorettes attention in hopes that they will win him/her over in their 2 minutes of conversation. You meet those you love, those you love to hate, and those you love but sadly know will not be loved by the Bachelor/Bachelorette.
Then the rose ceremony, quite possibly my favorite moment of the night. The daunting music and the solemn faces as the men/women line up and think about their magical moments, hoping their magical moments were a little more magical than the other contestants magical moments. Then Chris Harrison comes out, "ladies... bachelor/bachelorette... it's the final rose... when you're ready." Just in case the contestants or the viewers weren't aware that all but one rose had been distributed. Then come the tears. The anger. Those contestants who are completely shattered because the Bachelor/Bachelorette did not fall in love with them after 5 minutes of heartfelt conversation and those other contestants are just not meant for him/her like they are. The Bachelor/Bachelorette feels badly about this, so it is a good thing they have 15 other women/men to console him/her.
I actually kind of like the Bachelor this season. Brad Womack seems like a commendable young man and the more I see of him the more I like him. While he has a reputation as the most hated man in America after dumping both final contestants the last time he debuted on this show, I think it's respectable that he had the decency to turn them down before proposing to them. I mean let's be honest, how many seasons have there been of this show? And two couples are married? Not great odds. While I appreciate that Mr. Womack has gone through extensive therapy and is now capable of love, sometimes I wish I could just pat the man on the shoulder and say "dude... you didn't find your wife on reality television... that is ok... that does not make you incapable of love." He cares entirely too much what people think about him. But, don't we all.
I started thinking this season about what I would be like as a contestant on the Bachelor and I gotta say, I don't think I would make it. Even if I survived the house drama of living with 24 other women, it seems as though the Bachelor is quickly evolving into Fear Factor. I mean we hear a girl talk about how her biggest fear is bugs, and where is her date? Spelunking in a dark, wet cave full of bugs and bats. We see the girl who is terrified of heights and has to fly in a helicopter then scale down a skyscraper. The girl who is terrified of deep water is taken underwater diving. The woman who loses her racecar fiancé in a plane crash has to fly in a plane and then race a car. And then they always have that guilt comment of "I need you to risk this to show me you love me." I mean really... you can't tell me this show isn't at least somewhat scripted. The Bachelor would soon find out that as infatuated as I may be, he is dating 2 dozen other women and until I'm the last one standing I really have no intention of hiking through a buggy cave or scaling a building for him.
Problem number two, handing over your heart knowing there is a very likely chance it will indeed be broken, or at least damaged a little. Even the strongest man cannot hold 24 hearts without causing some scrapes and bruises. First dates are awkward enough without the pressure of knowing he's dating different girls every night that week and without having a full camera crew zooming in on that blemish you were trying so badly to hide. Knowing how dreadfully awkward I can be in a normal dating situation, I would definitely be that girl that has the "fail music" as I like to call it playing in the background. It takes me forever to really be open in a normal relationship and I have concluded that I am far too wimpy to hand my heart out for all of America to scrutinize.
And lastly, problem number three. Call me crazy, but I'm not really comfortable basing my decision to marry someone on how many movie favorites we have in common or how we both love swimming in Cancun. Bachelor contestants however do not seem concerned with religious or political standings, life history, family philosophy, or anything of a deeper merit. But hey, if you are ok moving from the unrealistic utopia of private islands and personal jets every night to the unknown of reality, more power to you. The women who are concerned with these types of things are often accused of being too serious or of second guessing the relationship. Again, I would be the one to have the "fail music" playing in the background.
I will say, as cynical as I am about the possibility of finding love through television, and as much of a failure as I may be as a contestant, I definitely think it's possible and I do enjoy watching the potential of a new relationship over the course of 8 weeks. My conclusion based upon this show is A) Facing a fear with someone brings you closer than you normally might be in an ordinary situation. B) People are intimidated by "perfection" and will consistently choose the flawed and dramatic over the nice and calm. And C) Even if two people would not date in normal life, anyone will fall for someone else in the name of competition.
If you want it enough and work at it hard enough, any two people can fall in love. Sorting through all of the eligible bachelors and fair maidens and actually choosing and committing to that one in a million person, that's the true challenge.
I'm not exactly sure what the appeal is, it's just kind of delightful to watch each season. You have the first episode where the first half hour is the Bachelor or Bachelorette jogging and taking their shirt off, followed by a sentimental speech as to why they are ready to say yes to love. Then you have the contestants who also jog around and take their shirts off. The first cocktail party where everyone gets out of the limo and recites their memorized first impression line. You catch a glimpse of the contestants’ strategies. Some go for deep conversation, some go for lighthearted comradary, some get confused and think they're at a talent show. Everyone is competing for the Bachelor/Bachelorettes attention in hopes that they will win him/her over in their 2 minutes of conversation. You meet those you love, those you love to hate, and those you love but sadly know will not be loved by the Bachelor/Bachelorette.
Then the rose ceremony, quite possibly my favorite moment of the night. The daunting music and the solemn faces as the men/women line up and think about their magical moments, hoping their magical moments were a little more magical than the other contestants magical moments. Then Chris Harrison comes out, "ladies... bachelor/bachelorette... it's the final rose... when you're ready." Just in case the contestants or the viewers weren't aware that all but one rose had been distributed. Then come the tears. The anger. Those contestants who are completely shattered because the Bachelor/Bachelorette did not fall in love with them after 5 minutes of heartfelt conversation and those other contestants are just not meant for him/her like they are. The Bachelor/Bachelorette feels badly about this, so it is a good thing they have 15 other women/men to console him/her.
I actually kind of like the Bachelor this season. Brad Womack seems like a commendable young man and the more I see of him the more I like him. While he has a reputation as the most hated man in America after dumping both final contestants the last time he debuted on this show, I think it's respectable that he had the decency to turn them down before proposing to them. I mean let's be honest, how many seasons have there been of this show? And two couples are married? Not great odds. While I appreciate that Mr. Womack has gone through extensive therapy and is now capable of love, sometimes I wish I could just pat the man on the shoulder and say "dude... you didn't find your wife on reality television... that is ok... that does not make you incapable of love." He cares entirely too much what people think about him. But, don't we all.
I started thinking this season about what I would be like as a contestant on the Bachelor and I gotta say, I don't think I would make it. Even if I survived the house drama of living with 24 other women, it seems as though the Bachelor is quickly evolving into Fear Factor. I mean we hear a girl talk about how her biggest fear is bugs, and where is her date? Spelunking in a dark, wet cave full of bugs and bats. We see the girl who is terrified of heights and has to fly in a helicopter then scale down a skyscraper. The girl who is terrified of deep water is taken underwater diving. The woman who loses her racecar fiancé in a plane crash has to fly in a plane and then race a car. And then they always have that guilt comment of "I need you to risk this to show me you love me." I mean really... you can't tell me this show isn't at least somewhat scripted. The Bachelor would soon find out that as infatuated as I may be, he is dating 2 dozen other women and until I'm the last one standing I really have no intention of hiking through a buggy cave or scaling a building for him.
Problem number two, handing over your heart knowing there is a very likely chance it will indeed be broken, or at least damaged a little. Even the strongest man cannot hold 24 hearts without causing some scrapes and bruises. First dates are awkward enough without the pressure of knowing he's dating different girls every night that week and without having a full camera crew zooming in on that blemish you were trying so badly to hide. Knowing how dreadfully awkward I can be in a normal dating situation, I would definitely be that girl that has the "fail music" as I like to call it playing in the background. It takes me forever to really be open in a normal relationship and I have concluded that I am far too wimpy to hand my heart out for all of America to scrutinize.
And lastly, problem number three. Call me crazy, but I'm not really comfortable basing my decision to marry someone on how many movie favorites we have in common or how we both love swimming in Cancun. Bachelor contestants however do not seem concerned with religious or political standings, life history, family philosophy, or anything of a deeper merit. But hey, if you are ok moving from the unrealistic utopia of private islands and personal jets every night to the unknown of reality, more power to you. The women who are concerned with these types of things are often accused of being too serious or of second guessing the relationship. Again, I would be the one to have the "fail music" playing in the background.
I will say, as cynical as I am about the possibility of finding love through television, and as much of a failure as I may be as a contestant, I definitely think it's possible and I do enjoy watching the potential of a new relationship over the course of 8 weeks. My conclusion based upon this show is A) Facing a fear with someone brings you closer than you normally might be in an ordinary situation. B) People are intimidated by "perfection" and will consistently choose the flawed and dramatic over the nice and calm. And C) Even if two people would not date in normal life, anyone will fall for someone else in the name of competition.
If you want it enough and work at it hard enough, any two people can fall in love. Sorting through all of the eligible bachelors and fair maidens and actually choosing and committing to that one in a million person, that's the true challenge.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Singles Awareness Day
One of my favorite things about Valentines Day is reading peoples facebook statuses. You have the couples that are all mushy gushy like "So excited to spend Valentines day with my sweetie pie honey buns sugar britches valentine babe together forever! *heart emoticon*" Then you have the married couples who celebrated on a more convenient day or who are frantically running around trying to find that last bouquet of flowers. You have those few church kids who say things like "Jesus is my perfect valentine." And of course a good amount of singles awareness statuses.
My perspective- Valentines Day is a wonderful holiday. I love it. It's definitely on my top 10 list for best holidays. Singles Awareness? Maybe. But why is that a bad thing?
I have never had an official valentine on Valentines Day but I've always had really great Valentines Days. Whether I was little and my dad would surprise me with chocolate, or I would pick out a special valentine for my elementary crush. All those years in middle school where you hold your breath everytime a candygram delivery is made, crossing your fingers that one is for you. Highschool where you boycott the holiday entirely in favor of watching chick flicks with the girls and eating exorbitant amounts of chocolate. College where you get groups of singles friends together for a party or a night out.
I will admit, sometimes I walk through a store and a cute card or stuffed animal catches my eye and I think, that will be so fun someday to be able to get something cute like that. Sometimes when I'm serving seafood alfredo to my gal pals I think, someday I can serve this to my husband. But then it hits me, like a ton of bricks, that I will have the rest of my life to share Valentines Day with my husband but only a few years of sharing this favorite day with family and friends. Every Valentines Day is different and I experience so much love with so many friends and family.
My perspective- Valentines Day is a wonderful holiday. I love it. It's definitely on my top 10 list for best holidays. Singles Awareness? Maybe. But why is that a bad thing?
I have never had an official valentine on Valentines Day but I've always had really great Valentines Days. Whether I was little and my dad would surprise me with chocolate, or I would pick out a special valentine for my elementary crush. All those years in middle school where you hold your breath everytime a candygram delivery is made, crossing your fingers that one is for you. Highschool where you boycott the holiday entirely in favor of watching chick flicks with the girls and eating exorbitant amounts of chocolate. College where you get groups of singles friends together for a party or a night out.
I love being able to encourage others on Valentines Day. A few years I've made special Valentines dinners for my girlfriends or sent them flowers. I've spent a few Valentines with my middle school and high school girls. It's just a great day to encourage someone you love and to let them know you appreciate them. So many people seem to miss out on an opportunity to love someone because they feel like it has to be a romantic
love or the holiday doesn't apply to them. Girls, you can have so much fun hanging out with your girlfriends and encouraging eachother. Guys, you can brighten a girls entire week by sending her a valentine to let you know you appreciate her. It doesn't have to be romantic, just let people know you appreciate them. Let them know you were thinking about them and you thought they deserved something special.
love or the holiday doesn't apply to them. Girls, you can have so much fun hanging out with your girlfriends and encouraging eachother. Guys, you can brighten a girls entire week by sending her a valentine to let you know you appreciate her. It doesn't have to be romantic, just let people know you appreciate them. Let them know you were thinking about them and you thought they deserved something special. I will admit, sometimes I walk through a store and a cute card or stuffed animal catches my eye and I think, that will be so fun someday to be able to get something cute like that. Sometimes when I'm serving seafood alfredo to my gal pals I think, someday I can serve this to my husband. But then it hits me, like a ton of bricks, that I will have the rest of my life to share Valentines Day with my husband but only a few years of sharing this favorite day with family and friends. Every Valentines Day is different and I experience so much love with so many friends and family.
I also get to be a hopeless romantic for a day. I get to daydream about who my guy might be. When I might meet him. I get to wonder if he ever thinks about me and what he's doing right now. There is so much potential and so much excitement. This singleness is a season I will never get back. While I look forward to having an official valentine and to all that entails, I also really love my single valentines days and I know I'm going to miss them when they're gone.
My two cents on the holiday, don't waste your next valentines day complaining or feeling sorry for yourself or waiting for another day. Dare to be single. Dare to have fun. Dare to enjoy yourself. This day is not just made for couples, or for you years from now, it's made for you now. Embrace it and have a happy Valentines Day!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Just Do It
Just Do It. Three words coined by Nike in 1988 that have huge connotation. Personally, I am a thinker. A planner. I spend hours each day thinking about my next move and then replaying it my head at night. I have big ambition and elaborate goals but only vague conceptions of how to get there.
I think the first step is the hardest. Whether it's applying to colleges, or to your first job, or starting your own company; maybe asking someone out or proposing, trying something new. It's scary. The demon of insecurity is inside every person, some bigger than others. That voice that says "You're aiming too high. That's in that league and you are in this league. Wait for something to come to you. You definitely just said/wore/did the wrong thing."
Working with high school students, students are constantly coming to talk to me about stress and big decisions on where to go after high school, what to say when they apply, what to study when they get there, how to interact with a new roommate. It's an intimidating time that I remember all to well.
For me, like many of my friends, the challenge is finding a job. More than a job, a career. The odds are not good. The majority of employers in this world want you to have experience before they hire you, and few will hire you to obtain said experience. There are tons of people looking right now, many are more qualified than a recent graduate. It's easy to hem and haw and send out a few resumes with low expectations, but if you set low expectations, you'll reach them.
I started thinking back through my life at past jobs I obtained or past successes and I found a common trait. I wanted it, and I did it. When you really want something you force yourself to take that first step. To call the college of your dreams and ask them if they could meet with you. To walk into an office and ask to deliver your resume to the CEO. To make a dinner reservation and ask that girl out. To put in some ear plugs, pick up that sax and learn a new hobby. Don't be discouraged if it's not the ideal image of perfection you had in your mind_ you'll get there. But for now, you just have to start.
In my experience, things that get started have a phenomenally higher chance of going somewhere than things that don't get started. My encouragement to you- you CAN do it. The first step is the scariest, but then you get to enjoy what could be a lifelong and amazing ride.
So whatever it is that you are hemming and hawing over, breathe in, breathe out, and Just Do It.
I think the first step is the hardest. Whether it's applying to colleges, or to your first job, or starting your own company; maybe asking someone out or proposing, trying something new. It's scary. The demon of insecurity is inside every person, some bigger than others. That voice that says "You're aiming too high. That's in that league and you are in this league. Wait for something to come to you. You definitely just said/wore/did the wrong thing."
Working with high school students, students are constantly coming to talk to me about stress and big decisions on where to go after high school, what to say when they apply, what to study when they get there, how to interact with a new roommate. It's an intimidating time that I remember all to well.
For me, like many of my friends, the challenge is finding a job. More than a job, a career. The odds are not good. The majority of employers in this world want you to have experience before they hire you, and few will hire you to obtain said experience. There are tons of people looking right now, many are more qualified than a recent graduate. It's easy to hem and haw and send out a few resumes with low expectations, but if you set low expectations, you'll reach them.
I started thinking back through my life at past jobs I obtained or past successes and I found a common trait. I wanted it, and I did it. When you really want something you force yourself to take that first step. To call the college of your dreams and ask them if they could meet with you. To walk into an office and ask to deliver your resume to the CEO. To make a dinner reservation and ask that girl out. To put in some ear plugs, pick up that sax and learn a new hobby. Don't be discouraged if it's not the ideal image of perfection you had in your mind_ you'll get there. But for now, you just have to start.
In my experience, things that get started have a phenomenally higher chance of going somewhere than things that don't get started. My encouragement to you- you CAN do it. The first step is the scariest, but then you get to enjoy what could be a lifelong and amazing ride.
So whatever it is that you are hemming and hawing over, breathe in, breathe out, and Just Do It.
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